Justify justify justify

So it's been ages since I last wrote anything. And that's basically because of a few things. First because in general, I'm hella lazy. Secondly because I bought a onesie. And finally because it's getting colder so naturally that means I'm going into hibernation mode. Which in itself means that my brain will consequently turn off all logic thinking and thought in general will fade into oblivion... Like powder?..
I was going to write about how we should all have a little appreciation for sluts. But then I'd be here for a while, so I'll save that subject for another day. Then I thought if write about the book I'm reading which is basically about hardcore sex and bondage...
But all in all, I have nothing of importance to say at the moment, so here is a picture of a cat in a chicken costume... Because we all know that, that is something we can all appreciate!

Forever looking 100% not sexy!

You know what really grinds my gears! And I'm going to use a lot of explanation marks to make my point here!! I'm sure other girls will agree.
I don't understand how one can wake up in the morning, get ready, look in the mirror and be like "hell yeah, I look dayum fine", go out for an hour or two, come home, look in the mirror and HOLY DICK! It looks like you've been shot in the face with a crayon cannon.
Seriously, whats the deal!!! And it only happens when you want to look good for one reason or another!!!
Example; I wake up pretty early to go to work  and leave my house at about 6:15am looking probably not amazing but at least decent to tackle the world (not that I need to look a billion dollars to go to work or anything but you know, it would be nice sometimes). At about 10am I have morning tea and make a coffee in which I walk past a little mirror. Naturally I cant help but to take a sneaky little peak. FALSE! Probably shouldn't do that!!! Every. Frigging. Goddamn. Day!!!!!! Because its been what? a whole, maybe 4 hours and I already look like I've wrestled a sea lion with my face!!! Everyday!!!!
I don't get it!!!!!! And before you think this is a cry for a compliment, just know how wrong you are! This isn't theory, this is scientific fact! When you need to be somewhere looking a little bit spiffy; for some cosmic reason beyond my explanation, you will inevitably look like gaping asshole by the time you get to the event to the time in which you get home from the event. Or at least for me this seems to be the case. No exceptions.
But then, this is the bit that really shits me... IF I go somewhere and there is no one significant around, and I'm there all day, possibly playing in mud and possibly, I don't know, climbing trees and slaying dragons?.. Ill get home, look in the mirror and look like goddamn Kate Middleton. WHAT IS THIS!!!
So Because this issue is absolutely anyone, please, if you have a solution other then digging a hole and burying myself in hope that ill grow a new face, please do, enlighten me!!  horse shit!

The lack of art to articulating unpleasant sentences.

I hope you've braced yourself for a pointless tangent because today I suggested the idea of a swear/insult jar at work, only to realise how insanely poor I would be. Which in turn made me realise how much shit I actually talk...
Now, I'm not a potty mouth gutter whore or anything but God Ol' Mighty, when you get the linguistics flowing I just can't help myself but to throw a couple 'Filthy Sluts' at people (No, I don't pick up bitches off the streets and pelt them at people, don't be silly!) ...I call people a filthy slut's... A lot... But I can't help it, it just has a nice ring to it. You filthy slut! ... And I say it in a nice way 76% of the time, so it's not like I'm actually being horrible all the time... Actually 7/10 times someone will just laugh at the minimal commitment i put to the execution of such sever words. Or the fact that I get so caught up in the moment that it becomes ridiculous... For the person laughing.. Not for me.. I think it's important.
But, come to think of it, if we keep on the point of something/something- 9/10 times I do find myself making up my own compilations of words to create insults.
...I'm trying to work out if there is some kind of system or formula to my insults but there really isn't. Basically if I want to dish something out at someone I'll pick an unattractive work like "feral" and top it with a "bitch-whore".. Which is two words but whatever. Okay, another example: "dick" and "lips" DICKLIPS! - which can be used in sentences such as "listen up dicklips, you have an ugly cat, go get a new one!".. See, simple.
Actually, now I think of it, when I get really angry I basically just team up a lot of nasty words together. Such as "Goddam tramp ass bitch whore slut"... And for real impact just drop a couple F*Bombs... They're the real kickers. - An F*Bomb is like punching a child in the face on Christmas day after they get the gift they've been wishing for all year- It's just not right, but you'd still YouTube it given the chance.
I don't know, they just add impact. But don't drop them all the time because they lose their desired effect. And I'm pretty certain that punching kids in the face is a felony so remember that too.

So basically, point of my story is, if I put my plan of insult/swear jar into motion, (which i probably wont do, but for argument sake lets say i might) Im pretty sure I'm going to be rich by next month... that or force myself to declare bankruptcy... Whatever. All I know is that, when I'm rich, I'm going to demand to have all the Hunger Game books made into movies right now and delivered to me the next day, free postage and handling.

It's like trivia night tonight!

Here's a fun fact for everyone, on Saturday some bitch reversed into my car while I was siting in it. Then had the audacity to drive off!! So here I was trying to be an outstanding daughter by going to get my mum a mothers day gift (the day before mothers day) and some slut thinks its okay to pull a not-so-swiftly hit as run on me.
Had she of stopped and given me her details it would have been hunky dory, but no. Now bitch gon' get served! OH! And she doesn't have insurance. GOOD TIMES GUYS! GOOD TIMES!
Naturally I will now go out of my way to find the most expensive quotes possible so that should be fun.
You know what else is fun? I can do last gaga bows in my hair!!
But yeah, so not only did I get reversed into, but when I got home I realised I hadn't even got anything for my mum!!!
Basically, I wasted a whole day!!!
....Then I went out till 5am and slept apart all of mothers day away... So I'm pretty sure I've got the position of daughter of the year 2012 in the bag!
Adding to that actually, I did go on Sunday to get her something, brought it home, false, didn't like it.
Awkwaaarrrddd. I've totally got this.
Fact of the matter is that from now on, no one is getting my presents!!!


Ps, here's my gaga bows!!! Cool huh!?
-more proof that I may be Re-born Jesus.

Bitches be crazy... Sad.

Over a week and I've already got my slack-bitch pants on. But whatever, I got really drunk last weekend and suffered a week long hangover... Seriously, shit got real. Those things CAN actually happen. It was legit horse shit.
The main thing I noticed from this week was my inept ability to tackle other people's grief..
Now I don't wanna put tickets on myself or anything but I'm a goddam AMAZING friend! If you need something, I've got your back; if you wanna do something, I'm there; if you go crazy, I'll join the fun. I dont even currr!
But fo real, if you are upset I should be the last person on your go-to-for-comfort list. And its not that I don't have a heart or that I don't care. You know what it is!? Do you want to know WHY it is!?? ... It's Because its dam awkward okay!!
I don't know what to say! I don't know if I should pat you on the back, and if I do should I revert to circular rubbing motions? Do I take the "I'm so sorry" approach or do I take the "fuq bitches, get money" approach? I JUST DON'T KNOW! I hate it. And when people cry, do you ask if they are okay?? Because obviously they aren't, but you can't very well just sit there in silence.
The whole upset friend thing is torture!! Like, don't get me wrong, I want bitches to tell me their problems, but don't get upset if shit gets awkward.
So for all those sad people out there, I'm sorry that there might come a time where I'm doing some weird rub-pat thing on your shoulder while you cry and I ask you if you are sad...
This is my life. You're welcome.

Girls gone not so wild?

While I, myself am flying first class on the solo plane this winter, I feel like I should shed some of my majestic light on a few of the douche bag qualities that seem to rise to the surface in the cold. And seeing as Do They Serve Champagne!? has kicked off at a spectacular speed (thank you, thank you very much), this is probably the place to disclose such things...
Basically, here are a few basic situations for all you Johnny Bravo's out there that probably wont sit too
well with le typical me and or possibly other 'down to normal' girls. So boys, pay attention.
Okay first, I get it, you see an attractive girl on Facebook through a friend of a friends, friend who you were stalking. So you add her... Normal? Yes. Go for gold. *she accepts*...Awesome! So you start up the convo with "Hey gorgeous/sweetie pie/amazing pants/sugar lips/sex." (Your typical line)... Usually works a treat?.. Wait.. no! Its doesn't? HOLD UP TURBO! Take a step back!!!... NUMBER ONE: Way to make it clear that you have added said girl because you think shes smokin and want to simply jump her bones... Lets be honest, no one starts a conversation with someone they first meet with such terms of endearment. No one!!! Its not "friendly" its "dumb"... So you're probably not off to a good start but hopefully for your sake, the girl in mention will let it slide because clearly its your first time at attempting to not be a twat bag... 
So the conversation continues with casual banter about where you came from, what school she went to, how many babies your cat had, etc etc. So next, (because your a 'total playa') you slip in the "We should catch up?" line... Naturally, the girl doesn't want to be rude so she will reply with the generic "Yeah maybe sometime" line or of whatever sorts... But because that wasn't blunt enough, you drop the "You should come cuddle and keep me warm and watch movies ;)" statement... And there we have it...an easy NUMBER TWO: Well first off, its Australia, so its not that cold. Pull your head in! Secondly, I'm sure you can keep yourself warm. Its called a blanket. Number three, clearly the casual palm off line that was previously stated wasn't hint enough for you? Given that the conversation just started and you seem like a dickhead already, its going to be a NO! for the "movie" (aka, sex/pre-sex/post-sex/sex/sex)... Number four, why are you winking!!!??? 
So skip the in between, and the girl has politely declined your offer for whatever reason. Next thing you know, you (as the boy) are getting mad at the rejection!!! Well NUMBER THREE: Remove head from ass, then speak and then maybe all your problems will go away!!... Nothing screams unattractive more then when a guy throws a "fine" or "righto" or even a "k" at you because they coped a "Nah, its late, maybe next time".... Pay attention boys; even though your answer is quite obviously a flat no, the girl in question has been kind enough to give you a little hope. Your one worded/dead reply to close the conversation (because you didn't get the sex you wanted) isn't doing you any favors!!!
And finally, when a girl gives you another chance for conversation and you start telling her about how you like her and how she should send you n00ds. Next time, before you send the request to the girl, maybe think about asking your great great grandmother to send you her's first. Because you are probably going to receive a similar reply from granny as from a down to normal girl. 

YOU'RE WELCOME!