All that matters

It's been a while. But who care because today while I was at work I had about six of my male friends pop up on my Facebook having liked "guys will never understand girls"..... Seriously.... Did I dream this... Were the mushrooms in my salad really magic??? Did. I. fall. from. a. Godforsaken. building. and. land. on. my. head?!

Like c'mon guys, really!? This has got to be a joke. SURELY. 

It baffles me how guys think they have the right to sit around and say that they will never understand girls.... ARE YOU ACTUALLY KIDDING ME!!??? It might rain glitter in a girls fairy garden once a month, but Jesus Christ, you bastards must swim in the ocean red every goddam day!

Its like the meme thing from a few months ago... STOP DOING THIS TOO ME!! I'm outraged. If I knew how, I'd make my own Facebook page called "guys need to use their brains and stop being hypocrites" or "you did this" or "it's a two way street motherfucker". 

Look, just so you know, I think a few F bombs may get dropped here. And i feel like this may be a similar post to ones I've already written... You know, the type where by the end i have to strongly consider lesbianism... But that's okay because thats just how crazy I am about this.... And yes, a crazy girl writes blog about how girls aren't crazy..... I KNOW OKAY! I. KNOW. Lets get past it now before I continue...................

Forever being a contradiction.

God only knows how many times I've sat at home thinking to myself "It has to be me... I must be the crazy one... Have I done something wrong... Why is he being like this... It had to have been something I said" *scrolls through entire conversation dating back to 2008* "I don't think I have.. No I must have... He liked me yesterday... Why don't you like me today... Is he angry... Bad day?..... BAD ME???"

No bitch, it's not you, IT'S THEM. 

The reason you are crazy is because they are crazy!!!

Girls are easy. We've been though this.. If they don't like you; they ignore you no matter what. If they like you; they will talk to you no matter what. Dah.

Boys on the other hand. If they don't like you; they would still bang you. And If they do like you; they will talk to you, then not talk to you, then talk to you, then just want sex, then not talk to you, then want to date you, then not talk to you, then love you, then talk to you, then not talk to you, then only want sex, then only want want a family with seven children and six dogs, then don't talk to you, then just want more sex, then don't talk to you again, AND THEN THEY FUCKING TALK TO YOU!!! 

What. The. Actual. Shit. 

Then the assholes have the audacity to like a Facebook page encouraging more assholes to think that girls are hard to understand. TRY DATING ONE OF YOUR OWN KIND YOU SELFISH LITTLE PIECE OF ASS!! 

I know I've said it before, but I'm a fairly straight forward kind of girl. If I like you, well look, ill probably just talk to you all the time and borderline tip toe on the boundaries of being impressive and unimpressive. You should know where I'm at judging by how much I talk to you... And correct me if I'm wrong, Im pretty sure you can judge most girls by this. 

SO IM SORRY IF YOU ARE CONFUSED BY MY CONSTANT ATTENTION, FOREVER CHEERY ATTITUDE AND SUGGESTIVE WINK FACES!!!!! 

Girls are crazy in the sense that we do certain things that probably have very little need to be done in order to obtain something bigger... So I can see the logic in not knowing why that happens... But the bigger picture here is that we wouldn't go the long way around things if we knew what the hell was up with guys and all their nuts (pun intended). 

Guys need to get their shit together. The only reason girls seem like they are all over the place is because they are put into a state of confusion because guys are so hot and cold. Katy Perry knows what's up. 

"Boys will never understand makeup" ... I get that

"Boys will never understand a girls need to shop"... Yep, I get it

"Girls will never understand girls" ... I get that

Even, "Boys will never understand the value of a good woman"... I get that too

But "boys will never understand girls"... Well, that's your own fault. 

I'm done here. I think I've made my point.

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

filthy filthy filthy tramp

Disclaimer: What I'm about to tell you is quite simply just long winded series of events that have taken place over the last 15 minutes that will probably build you up to what may be the biggest anti-climax of the year. I'm just letting you know before you get to the end and realise that the time that I wasted responding to the event, you probably just wasted reading about it... You're welcome.

SO! I have been brainstorming about what my next post should be about and I had a few really cool ideas running wild in my head. Unfortunately, while I had been on a rampant thinking expedition I received a snap chat from someone who I thought was a contact I knew, but I actually don't think it is... I'm wasn't entirely sure at the time to be honest.
It was just a big ol blurr with the words "nice tits" written over it..... This really wouldn't have been overly concerning given that a) Thanks? and b) I've never sent a nude photo to anyone in my life let alone over snapchat to someone who I potentially don't even know. So maybe it was meant for someone else? However, the problem stood solid as when I opened the snap, I was seemingly standing butt naked in the middle of my bedroom. Now, to explain, I had just stepped out of the shower a few moments earlier... Standing around naked at eleven o'clock at night isn't really the norm for me, I swear.
So anyways, I'm sure you can see the dilemma I had on my hands.
But wait there's more!! The concern didn't just stop here. No siree. You see, while I was in the aforementioned shower, I decided to test the waterproof function on my mobile... Don't worry, verdict is that it works. So if nothing else, I can safely let you all know that the Sony Xperia Z is a waterproof hunk of shit.
Naturally, given the circumstances, things didn't look good for me at this point? First the present nakedness and then the waterproof theory testing. So an amount of panic set in. And to top it off, having the knowledge that my phone has a pretty poor track record for doing weird shit (even though its only one goddam week old) I thought to myself "holy dick, I've captured a tit mid test." - Words I never thought I'd find myself thinking.
I quickly scrolled through my snap history- There was nothing there. I had a look through my photo album- Also nothing. So I went back to my to my snap chat feed. I was confused. Very, very confused. I started to feel a little bit at ease. But then I remembered that I'm the girl that weird unexplainable things happen to. I'm the girl who's phone probably would send a titpic and leave no trace. In fact, I'm the girl who's phone would have sent a boxshot and titpic simultaneously to everyone in my contacts list. In fact, even to people not in my contacts list. Because that's the sort of bullshit life likes to throw at me. I mean, im not complaining because sometimes its pretty damn funny. This however, not so much. Terrifying? Yes. Funny? Nada.
You see, the whole reason I went with the Xperia Z and not the Galaxy S4 was because of that whole eye motion business. I don't want my phone seeing where my eyes are. If it can see my eyes what else can it see me doing??!! What's that movie where there are robots and they turn on the humans?? That's what would happen. I'm not okay with this. I chose the Xperia because, well, I don't know why. For one, it can't see me doing shit- literally and metaphorically, I suppose.
Aaannnyyyywwaaayyyssss, so the moment came where I received another snap from the same person. I was scared. I was expecting an
"awks, you just sent me a pic of your tit lol" type of message. I opened it. Another blank message. Only this time with the words "Nice ass, grab your tits and show me cleavage" written over it ........................................................ You've got to be shitting me right? I just had a mild panic attack, NAKED, in my bedroom, at eleven oclock at night, in the middle of winter because I thought my phone had pulled a swifty on me. All for some punk ass little seedy asshole to most probably be sending bulk creepy snaps to every girl they've managed to creep on asking for nudes. I swear to god.
While I was infuriated and wanted to go ballistic on this persons ass for making me shit an entire brick. Snap chat doesn't let you send more than, I dunno, like 30 characters or something. So being the lady that i am, i sent him this. I feel like it did the trick. He hasn't sent me anything since.

Call me, beep me, if you wanna meet me

For some reason I went and bought a new phone that just so happen to be an android and not an iPhone. It was so exciting... And now it is not. Typical, i know. Stupid thing. It's so big and hard to use (fighting the urge to not make a "thats what she said" call) I JUST WANT MY NEAT LITTLE IPHONE BACK!! 

Anyways, while I was trying to make things happen on my new phone I came across the following meme that clearly was created by a boy.

Ill give it some credit in that its pretty funny, but still, you've got to be shitting me right? Girls? Really? Cmonnn. I'm a girl, do you really think that I can be bothered to be messaging more than one boy at a time! I'm flat out messaging Y or N to confirm my crazy doctor appointments (disclaimer: I don't actually have a crazy doctor..... Yet). Boys on the other hand, well, I personally have no idea where I stand when it comes to boys, EVER. And thats because they are totally constantly on the prowl for new bitches. ALL THE TIME.

Sure, I guess in the memes defence- its a meme... But still. This should be all about boys!! I feel jibbed!

Call me crazy but I'm pretty sure boys are worse than girls... And I'm talking like,  A LOT worse. 

Which brings me to phase two of today's discussion. Que sexist thought process.

Boy. Are. Terrible. Humans.... Yes, they can be very good looking humans at that. But terrible. Very terrible. 

How even.... How do they work? What do they even want? I DON'T UNDERSTAND???? Okay. No, that's a lie, I do know... Sort of.

If nothing, i know this: When it comes to boys, I've come to the only logical conclusion that if you pay attention to them, they don't like you. However if you don't pay attention to them, then they want all up in your ovaries. Am I right? Am I right?

Im literally the best person to talk about this. When boys text me and I'm doing something or just don't feel like talking, I just won't reply. Which I've  come to realise, makes the boys go wild. The difference is that I'm not playing games or anything, I'm just busy. But I see how this whole boy thing works. I see how the theory comes into play quite well. Because they go nuts. They want to plant their seed deep within my womb... All because I didn't reply. So I understand. Niggas, I get y'all theory. 

But it's bad. It's so so very bad- My problem is this- I know that if people "play hard to get"- even if they aren't doing it on purpose- it works.

But for me, my kind kind cherubs, I have a trained set of skills where if I like you, I will find you, and I will talk to you.. Whenever I want. About whatever I want. Not in a crazy stalker way or anything. But I feel like, if you like someone, you should embrace it. Right? Right. 

So I try really hard not to talk to people everyday because i know that the great holy bible states "treat em mean, keep em keen" ... So it must be true. 

But it's terrible, because I'm all like "I should say hi... You wanna say hi, just say hi... Should I say hi? We spoke yesterday? Is talking everyday in? Is it still a thing? No don't say hi... Okay say hi... I'm doing it... Oh he..... NO, play it cool! You got this gurl, you got this!!"... And then, if a greater good stops me from sending anything, I just try to send telepathic taco missiles at the person to talk to me first................... This is my life. Very mature I know.

But you see it is because I am a girl and girls like to be chased... And if you don't chase, well, ill probably still want to talk to you because again, I am a girl. And girls are batshit crazy.

Seriously though, on the opposite scale of things- Not replying does make me wild. Well not 100% like it does to boys because they just keep trying and trying. Its a given that if you ignore or neglect to make contact with me then ill lose interest a lot faster. I mean, you've got to give me something to work with. Don't be all hard to get and then not and then are and then not but actually are. That's not okay. I can't keep up with that. That's how I'm meant to be. I'm the one that gets the monthlies. Don't gender switch me. I don't like ladies. 

Anyways, referring back to the point of this story, I do not text a billion boys at once- it's too hard. I mean, I probably would give it a crack if I could. Maybe.. I feel like I have too much tv to watch... Girl can't text and tv. 

THE MEME SHOULD BE ABOUT BOYS! OKAY!! THAT'S ALL I WANTED TO SAY......

Okay wait. Stop the phone. I just watched the best add..
(Disclaimer #2- I don't know how to make videos happen... So if you don't watch that link which may or may not even be linked.. Well, you're loss and I'm not sorry)

http://youtu.be/c-R_Yx9hyl4 

Aaannnndddd I think that solves that. 

Was that just a giant coincidence... 

I ... What?... That's hilarious.

Thank you Vodafone. Now I TRULY understand. 

Sluts'r'us sometimes.

Today while its fresh in my mind, I am writing out of complete bewilderment. You see my lovely anchovies, I have a theory. A theory to stop all chaos in the world. A theory of such thought process that even I, the creator or said theory, am baffled by it........... To be honest, I may have exaggerated slightly, but bare with me because I may knock your socks off, mentally and physically. 

Look, before I start, if anyone has met me, or simply read up on my previous blog posts, or both- dependant on how stalkerish you are (disclaimer: harmless stalkers are always welcome).. You would know I'm not one to be "woo'd"... I pretty simple, and expect nothing more than a glass of water with a topping of equal amounts of  humour and a constant challenge of wit. Battle of the wit, per-say? 

That being said, simple in needs doesn't mean down for sexual escapades if you bring me pizza- yes, I may contemplate its benefits- a lifetime of pizza and laughs would have its perks- but ill never go through with it.  

So, when it comes to boys I like to play by the "interested people persist" concept. Which, trust me, usually is the truth. But then I start to question if by sticking to this plan of action that maybe you just seem uninterested. 

Okay, so I personally like to give a little (that sounds way sluttier than it is- so again, trust me- I'm a saint- *cough*tobeginwith*cough*-..... You'll never know... Unless you persist? Oh lord, internal bracket conversations getting way too out of hand! Stahp!!) but what if 'a little' is contradicting the initial theory... OH GOD, WHY?

To hinder all internal conflict I've come up with a theory on bedroom manners... You know, the one that will stop all traffic lights from turning red when you're on your way to work... Its pure genius, I think. Baring in mind, "date" is subjective here... VERY subjective... Specifically to the bedroom. Specifically subjective? ..................Anyways...

Date one: No hands rule. 

Date two: Hands are a go. 

Date three: Pantsing is a go. 

Date four: Whatthefuckever

Sometimes dates two and three may become an entangled mess, but hey, when in bedROME! Heh heh heh. 

(Disclaimer #2: where alcohol is involved, the theory is not. Alcohol makes date one date four and date two through four and date four non existent.)

See, now this sounds way sluttier than it was meant to be. It's not I swear. Because if little to no action is taken in getting to know a girl than its completely acceptable to draw out the said bedroom dates; Eat more food, Watch more tv (in the living room) etc.

Also, before I forget and roll into a magnificent tangent of un-arranged thoughts-CLOTHING! Now, I dress appropriately in order of the "date" sequence. More working into less. For example, if the fundaments of a girls outfit are basic and Fort Knox, you're probably at date one stage. If a girls outfit is a little lacey and droolable- you've landed date two. And finally if a girl has no fundaments at all, i.e. commando/near to, you're probably between dates three-four. 

Logic at its finest. 

This is a well thought out plan. I'm not sure really what it's meant to accomplish. Perhaps some kind of respect barrier? I don't know. I'm sure it does great things though. Great, majestical things.

Oh, I know, it shows you that someone is interested enough by you to hopefully get to know you a little better before jumping your bones. Then again maybe they are just persistent enough to get laid. Who knows. It's all apart of the surprise. 

"SURPRISE! I got laid, I never want to see you again" ....if that's the guy, aren't you glad you made him suffer a little in waiting. 

See, there is some justice... A small amount.. But some none the less.

Guys can use this on girls too... I mean, I doubt they will, but it's worth a shot...

I feel like abruptly ending this post. 

So, in the whimsically wise words of Jess (New Girl):

"I don't go on dates very often. Guys my age always wanna skip the date and just go right for the gold. Which I don't give them because I'm stingy with my gold. Unless they dig for it." 

AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH SISTA CHRISTIAN! 

(Please note all irony and accept that my theory of bedroom manors is genius and will prove to be successful in gaining a few "classy points")

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee 

It's not me, its you.

Well considering that yesterday’s post was such a huge raging success and my blog managed to pull more views in that one day than last month entirely, I decided to post another little somethin’ somethin’… Yep, you’re welcome!

Sticking to the subject of raging success in the blogosphere; I think it’s funny how people react to my posts. More so, how people always think that things are about them or feel the need to voice who they think they are about, even when they’re usually wrong… I have DEFINITELY written about this before, but apparently not all of my sweet cherubs are up to date!! I love how whenever I post something, whether it’s on ‘Facebook’ or ‘Instagram’ or ‘dotheyservechampagne’, I get this huge influx of messages or comments made about whom I'm writing about. I LOVE IT!! Straight away people seem to think that I'm pointing fingers! People care so much about things that could provoke drama… It’s not going to happen though. There is a reason that I don’t post names or point fingers directly at people. It's not just to keep you on your toes!

Listen up my precious slow flakes of white chocolate goodness! I blog to give and gain perspective… I write to clear my head and let people know what my opinions are… I've never said that are right or 100% accurate, but hey, if you wanna believe that and help me form an army of mini me’s to take over the world, I'm not going to shoo you away... Because lets be honest, mass amounts of mini me's would result in many a series of unfortunate events- Which would perhaps be really bad, but perhaps also be very entertaining. No one can know for sure, but I'm willing to give it a shot!!!! HA! Could you imagine that!! A whole heap of you just running wild. Brilliant!!! I'd just make..... Actually, never mind...

ANYWAYS! Forever getting off track... Long story short is that if you don’t want to know what goes on in my labyrinth of a mind or don’t give a flying hoot about what I have to say, then why are you still reading???  Gotcha.

But seriously, it’s funny how certain "sugar plumb's" lash out or become really curious all of a sudden about what’s going on in my life. C'mon now sweets! I'm a good lady! (I'm aware that 'good' is subjective but whatever, I regret nothing.) I try to blog on a topic of interest. Meaning; what I've written is usually not just my perspective. Believe it or not, I do some research. Go figure, I leave my uni assignments to the last minute and provide little to no research to back myself up, but when I write a post for my blog I sus out some backing opinions… My Priorities are obviously completing in check, I know!!
Obviously I don’t research so much with my Facebook or Insta (If you follow me on either you’ll understand.. I post absolute bullshit), but definitely with dotheyservechampagne!
'Research' is probably the wrong word, but ultimately I gather a few opinions on a matter and morph it with mine and go from there. Yes, they are all my words, but I like to know that I'm writing about something that is going to appeal to people, so to do so I need to know that it’s a common interest.  What I write about usually is a topic that has been discussed amongst my friends or colleagues on more than one occasion… Obviously the occurances have directly happened to me (or else I couldn't be so demanding when I tell boys and what not to pull their socks up), but I also paraphrase what my lords and ladies think and add my own little spin on things…

I've said it before and I’ll say it again;  In the nicest way possible, ya’ll need to stop being creepers and flattering yourselves!!!!! You probably could have been dick weeds to me or whatever but calm your farm!!! Never once have I blogged solely about one person- It’s always a team effort of said dick weeds that have fuelled thought which resulted in a post…
Like right now, a solid 5 people have questioned if yesterday’s rant was about them…
Bulk feedback on an event= Bulk perspective = Bulk thoughts = New Post. Dah.
#datlogic?  

Apart from the fact that I'm clearly big on whinging about all the asshole things that go on in life, you probably don’t want to be admitting or letting on that you think I've written about you!!! If you think you've done any of the things I've talking about then you should probably just say nothing. I've never used names, so you've dodged bullets- no need to go throwing yourselves under buses.

Gosh! See, defend, defend, and defend. That’s all you bastards want from me, huh!?  I hate you all.
Just kidding, I love you all… Well not all of you of course- I'm not that kinda girl.
Feedback is great but just remember that no matter how good your arm is, I won’t be chasing after the sticks and stones that you throw.

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  

Ps. Thursday, June 7 2012 - I wrote about this exact same thing... SEE!! THIS IS A CONSTANT THING!!!! Stop pulling douchey moves and you wont think I'm writing about you!!!!

Pps.

Times up; Pens down.

I feel like I'm always starting off a new post with something along the lines of "So I've been really slack lately and haven't posted anything because of blah blah blah.." Which, don't get me wrong is the truth most of the time. Because lets be honest, I actually am really slack. But also its because I feel like a lot of the time I have the same things to talk about. I have a problem with committing to things. Which is devastating  I know. But worry not, because I'm back today, and that is the main thing.

The beauty of being slack when it comes to updating my blog is that when it does come around to a time where I can be bothered to sit down and write something, it usually means that I have something to say. Which is what is happening today... Even though my droning on about how I am a lazy human seems to be prolonging the process of getting to the point of why we have all gathered here today.So lets get into it.

I have probably spoken about this before, but I don't care. And if you are a male who is reading this, like always, I would insist on getting out your pen and paper and start taking some notes, because this shit is about to get damn real!!! 

Now I cant speak for anyone else but myself, however when it comes to meeting new people, I HATE IT!!! But besides that, I am courteous and polite and indulge in conversation where I feel fit. I also give as much respect to whoever I'm meeting as humanly possible until proven that they deserve otherwise. So I guess this post doesn't particularly apply to females as much as it does males. Because when it comes to girls, they are easy (sometimes in more ways then one) because if things get nasty, they just cut each other off, hold a grudge until they are on their death bed and spread nasty lies about one another behind each others back. So in short, you just have to grow a backbone and recognise that if its doesn't really effect your life, then why are you worrying about it?! That being said, that is the philosophy that I am now playing by for every situation that goes down in my life. So there is really not much point to this post after all because in the end i guess it doesn't really matter................ Look, sometimes I am just one giant contradiction okay. Learn to deal.
Moving along-

Basically something that I have struggled with for a long time, and more so in the past 12 months, is the whole concept of girls and boys just being friends or more so just knowing where you stand with someone of the opposite sex (or same sex, whatever you're into I guess).

Being a twenty-one year old girl of sound intelligence should be great, right? WRONG! And its not because I am young and probably not the most hideous person on the entire planet, or because I'm not as dumb as dog shit and can chew as much as I bite off. Nope, its because of a seven letter part of my anatomy that is located below my belt and starts with the letter 'V' and ends in "AGINA' which apparently gives the thumbs up for guys to act like complete cockheads.

I'm not entirely sure why, and I know that I'm generalising, but it seems that some guys tend to think that because I am a female, I don't actually mind being treated like a donkeys asshole. Which, let me tell you, is 100% fiction, because I actually don't enjoy that much at all. I also don't enjoy being the one to blame when friendships come to an end or just dwindle down to nothing because someone I considered to be 'just a friend' has developed feelings for me and I don't feel the same way.

You might want to sit down for this one, because I know it might seem shocking to you all; but sometimes when someone is being nice to you, maybe, JUST MAYBE that means that they are a nice person. And maybe, knowing this insane fact, that perhaps it can be now assumed that being a nice person doesn't necessarily mean that they want to jump your bones. I know right? Crazy!!!! But its the truth.

I'm trying to not be bias here because I know that I personally have a flirty personality and could talk underwater on basically any subject, so I guess sometimes that could be misleading. And I also recognise that I do give a lot of myself to my friendships when it comes to getting back to people and having lengthy conversations and a big ol' laugh with them. BUT unfortunately there are a lot of boys who cant distinguish and recognise that that is apart of my personality and is not subject to change any time soon. So lets face it, at times you are going to come across people in your life that don't want to jump on a go for a ride (literally and figuratively.. if you know what I'm saying). Sometimes people just want to be friends. Maybe its because they don't want to ruin an already sturdy friendship, maybe its because they have a whole world of other issues under their hat, or maybe, just maybe, its because they just want to be friends... Go figure!?

I don't like to play video games and eat pizza in my undies and 'not give a f**k', but I do enjoy the company of boys (Said every girl ever! Right?? ... But seriously, I actually mean it) because I feel like they tend to not care as much and can give a simpler opinion on matters... ...  I also think that boys are less intimidating as they are more forgiving and accepting. So don't get me wrong, I credit guys for a much as they are worth but I'm a little bit sick of having to defend myself for being up for a chat and a laugh, being mistaken for more than it is.

That being said, on the opposite scale of things when I do start seeing someone or start to have feelings for someone I like to get it out in the open straight off the bat. I like to know where I stand with someone before hearts get broken and brains get mangled. That in itself, I have come to learn is a difficult concept for guys to grasp onto. For example, I want to know if the person I take a fancy to just want to be an A) Casual 'you scratch my back, ill scratch yours' kinda thing, or B) If they actually see it going somewhere, maybe not right now but possibly down the track.
Turns out that guys seem to think that they should just answer with what they think I want to hear.  Obviously in their eyes option B???  NEWS FLASH!!! Guess what!? the answer I'm looking for is HONESTY!!! If I wasn't open for discussion or okay with either options I wouldn't have made a point of addressing the issue, would I!?? This, for all the boys out there who have been put in the position of a girl asking what they want from them, IS NOT A TRICK QUESTION!!! Don't be a piece of dick shit!! Answer it honestly... If she likes your company enough to even ask the question then you're probably still going to get laid regardless of your answer.. That and she's going to find out that you're still into your ex OR that you just aren't that into her OR that you want someone on the side when you cant pull anyone else OR that you want to bang someone on a continual basis while still enjoying the single lifestyle!!!!!!!!!!! WE WILL ALWAYS FIND OUT!!! All those meme's about girls having this uncanny ability to find stuff out... Its not a joke!! That shit is real!!! 

The whole point of laying it on the table is so that I and any other girl who has asked the question can make an informed decision of what I want to do with the "relationship."  Either answer is completely fine (usually), as long as its honest. Just sayin'. If we know all the facts then we can make a decision that's based on fact instead of fiction.

Anyway's, I feel like that's enough for today. I feel like I've given enough fuel for thought. I realise it was probably an overload. But I haven't posted in a while so i thought why not go balls to the wall style. 

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE 

Ball's of steel!!

Yet again I've posted another post (?) and deleted it. I chickened out. I'M SORRY!  But I couldn't help it. It was too much of a dead giveaway. I was revealing too much. I'm a mess!!!  I love to blog but I haven’t been giving too much of myself to it. Mostly because I don’t want to be pointing too many fingers at people; you know, accusing them to being the reason behind all my crazy. Whatever, I'm getting cheese fries. Maybe I should post the last one though? It was a doozey… It was huge. I'm talking like, I don’t know, maybe five or so paragraphs… AND! I didn't even finish it… From memory it was to be continued (I think I went to lunch or something…  Don’t hold me to that. I’d have to check).
What a pansy though right? I don’t know why it matters, I'm sure very few people that I know read them… Oh well. This is my life. A giant contradiction; I'm all like “blah blah blah I don’t care, I do what I want”… Nek Minit… “QUUUIIIIIICCCCCKKKKK RE-NEG RE-NEG UN-DO!!! DELETEEEE!!!!”   
Its total mayhem.

Actually I will post it… I might even continue it in the post after… Or maybe not… I don’t know… Depends how I feel. It’s hard being me you know. Never know what I’m going to do next.
It’s a constant struggle.

Okay that’s it for today. Very in-depth and exciting post I know. Try to keep your pants on. It will be alright one day.

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

SHE'S just not that into you. #sorrynotsorry.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, your own bedroom floor!!!

Being a new year, I've decided to become an advocate for getting White-Girl-Wasted*at home. Everyone loves alcohol right? Well, the older I get the more acceptable this concept gets to me. Seriously. I one hundred and ten percent am going to give this a tick of approval. Clubbing and bar hopping can go and hock a lougie on the pope for all I care. 

Binge drinking in the vicinity of your bedroom is proving to be one of the best things I've ever done. I don't even know why i haven't become accustomed to it so much earlier in life!! Even better is that its completely acceptable to get WGW* on pretty much any day of the week. Why single out weekends when you can party like its 1999 urryday!!???

Here are some examples that spring to mind. Think about it.

1. No cab fairs EVER! - I live pretty far out from the city and valley so that makes a big difference to my back pocket. Do you know how many bottles of cheap wine and vodka I can buy with that cab money!? Well let me tell you, it's about 11.4 bottles of moscato or 3 one litre bottles of vodka! And that's just if I were to catch one cab all night. 

2. At no point do you have to deal with seedy assholes trying to grope yours. 

3. All night you are going to have access to a clean and sanitary toilet. And trust me, being a girl, this is one of the few beautiful virtues that life has to offer when you've downed said 11.4 bottles of moscato ;)

4. You can wear lounge-ware! Theres no dress code for your living room!!! I mean, you can still get dressed up and look pretty but guess what? NO HEELS! Ain't no body got time for a hangover AND blisters... Am I right? Am I right?

5. You're hungry? GO TO THE KITCHEN!!! Cook up a storm. Bulk cheese. Kitchen access all night! Anytime. 

6. Your only enemy is going to be your shifty pillow that falls off the bed during the night. You wake up with a sore face but let's be real, you could be waking up with herpes from previously mentioned filthy bathrooms. So you're doing pretty well. 

7. Clothe line? Goon of fortune. Acceptable. 

8. Bloated from beer? Take your pants off. It's your house, you can do whatever the hell you want. Maybe don't even start with pants. Keep things interesting. 

9. There is no risk of drunk hook ups! And if you do decide to play a lil tonsil hockey, gurl you knew what you were getting yourself into. Its your house, and if you are drinking with people, you invited them (Hopefully).

10. Boys, AGB? That shit is sorted *pun intended. 

11. If you do decide to make it a social occasion, you get to surround yourself with people you ACTUALLY like. 

12. (Refer to #9 & #10) There is no chance that you will be running into the bastard who left you at the alter *figuratively speaking*. NONE. NADA! It's gon be a good night.

13. Oh no!!! It's only 12am and you're hideous... Who even cares. 

14. I can guarantee you that by staying home you aren't going to get a watered down version of your drink. In fact, I can almost assure you that you are probably going to get more than one standard drink per glass. 

15. Guess who's not losing all their possessions tonight. YOU!!! Yaaaay... Well you might, but you're probably going to be able to track them down easier. 

16. Whenever you walk into your kitchen or bathroom or study you can have a little chuckle because you have flashbacks of being in a drunken state and crawling on the ground trying to find more booze, or passing out there, or falling down and/or up your stairs, or hiding your friends shit in dumb places or taking a shit, I don't know! Whatever you're into! But it will make your living arrangements THAT much more hilarious. Take my word for it. 

17. No lines. For anything. Nuff said. 

AND FINALLY!!! (Because seventeen reasons to get incoherently drunk in the comfort of your house just isn't enough....)

18. Guess who's bed your waking up in?... YOUR OWN!!! (With the exception of prematurely passing out in other redick but completely acceptable places around the house)

Trust me, this is not even half of the benefits. There are so so SO many perks of getting WGW or WBW (I'm not sexist), BGW (I also don't discriminate) BBW (i don't discriminate and I am not sexist)......... At home. 

DO IT!!!! It's beautiful. You will thank me later, when you don't look at your life the same way ever again. It's like magic- you'll never know if its real until you try it, and even then it's so wonderful you second guess it ;)

Look at me, every year I get half as pretty and twice as drunk.

Look, the thing about being a single white girl in a big city is that every now and then I forget what I have. Yes, I forgot that I blog. Yes, I have been blogging for four years. Though in my defence, I have recently been delving into the world of vlogs. For those of you who don't know what this is, you are an idiot... Just kidding, it's video blogging. But i am yet to post anything because I'm a giant ass pansy whore. Not really. Basically. Yah.
On other pressing matters, it is a new year!!!!! Go crazy, lose your shit, take your pants off, ITS TUESDAY THE FIRST OF JANUARY!!!!
Oh my god, control yourselves.
So I actually have been busy. Christmas really took it out of me. There were just way way WAY too many family members all together in one tight little... Slot? So, I needed time to re-coop. Which I am actually yet to do because I've spent 89% of my time off work drunk!!! Thus resulting in the forgetting of said blog. - My life is challenging.
I don't really know what i have been doing since my last post because that was more than two weeks ago. And lets be honest, i don't remember much after yesterday so I'm not going to push myself.
So, that being said, to re-cap on my week and a half off work, so far, to date:
-My drunk kitchen came into play when I decided to get white girl wasted at a family gathering. The brownies didn't turn out. To say the least.
-I've spent a few days at the coast. Drunk.
- I reversed into, I kid you not, a boulder!!! A huge mother of a rock just left to some persons driveway that i was turing around in. No damage was done. I think it hit my tire. I don't know. Who has a boulder in their front yard anyways!!! It was a very confusing chain of events.
-I made a roady to go to the beach for a midnight stroll. Drunk. It tasted like the inside of a rubber glove.
-I've read some really good books. Nerd alert- The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, great book. Hopeless, another great book. The Fault In Our Stars, probably one of the best books I've ever read.
-I wrote a blog about those radio hosts that were getting the blame for a lady killing herself. Didn't post it. Couldn't be bothered to sign into blogger... Because that's the kinda girl I am! A time wasting one.
-I keep forgetting to pay a stupid bill that collects so much interest I'm going to have to whore myself to pay off.
-I passed out on a kitchen floor.... On more than one occasion.
-Ive taken Instagram, a lot. @kaylahb ... Do it.
-Oh, I dyed my blonde regrowth brown and it went bright orange.. That was fun. But I fixed it... About twenty minutes ago... Yes, I had to wear a party at at my New Years festivities to hide my fluro GT stripe. I'm quiet to regret a thing.
That's about it now that I think about it. Yep, I am living the dream.
I'm done. Nuff said. Adios. Here's a lol somethin' somethin' I've thrown together to show you the awesome time I've been having!! You're welcome.
Oh wait, before you go... Would you like some tea before you leave?