Fear factor got me good

Unbeknown to most, my three greatest fears in life are losing an immediate family member (that includes me, because to hell with putting my family through that), something happening to my dog (ill never come to terms with his naturally shorter lifespan) and cancer (because cancer).
I feel like, those are all pretty reasonable fears. Statistically I feel like they might just be your "average run of the mill" fears, but I wouldn't know because I can't even say the words out loud without working up a little diamond in the corner of my eye #weakbitch.
What I am getting at is that I'm preeettyyyyy sure I can add another fear to my list and it comes in the form of two little numbers that will be gracing me with their presence in just a few weeks time.
Now I promise you that I am not one of those girls that hate their birthday, but I also don't love it. Nowhaddameeen? It's kinda just another day. A day where I can eat cake guilt free... Even though tbh I don't really ever feel guilty about cake ever.
But gurl. GURL. GUUURRRLLLLLLL. That lil 2 paired with that lil 6. Mmmgh. No. Ok. Hold me tight because It's hitting me hard af.
I'm legit dreading it.
I can't breath. 
Srsly.
I need Jesus.
I currently have one of about eight life goals ticked off.... THAT IS A PROBLEM!
Yes, I have my dream floof loyally by my side. But do you see me having a house big enough to store all of my clothes and stuffs? Me with my own assistant because I'm so super successful in my career? Do I have a big shiny ring on my finger?  Do I appear to be planning my next Holiday of a lifetime? Are you admiring my commitment to being married by Elvis in Vegas in the little white chapel? Can you see me with my Jaguar E-pace and/or Range Rover? A lil kiddy in my fancy ass stroller which my nanny will walk with by my side as I sip lattes all day errry day? GURL NO U DO NOT.
I am about 0% on my way to achieving my life goals.
0%
Do you read that clearly
ZERO PERCENT
I mean maybe it's a little more because of floofs. I dunno. Math is hard.
BUT LIFE IS HARDER. Its real hard man.
I'm pretty convinced it's because I was kinda an asshole for a few of my late teens years. I kinda toyed with people and lost my temper quickly. BUT IM A NICE GIRL. I just had to grow up a bit. Not to mention the shit storm I have gone through the past few years. Hunny I paid ma dues. Tf am I not achieving life shit easily for?
I mean, yeah, technically I could be planning my next holiday of a lifetime but my floof wouldn't be able to come and that is a whole other problem in itself. Plus how am I going to buy a house when I'm holidaying. Obvs.
I am not the most consciencly aware person on the planet. Sometimes things happen and I am so deep on my own world that I don't notice at all. I definitely don't ask enough questions, and I am certainly not the most prepared person at the best of times. But it's like I woke up one day and found myself in my mid twenties having to really work and push for thr things I want. No one is making things easier, let alone handing me things. Which has never been the case BUT IT WOULD SO BE NICE NOT TO FIGHT!
Ugh.
Real talk though - I honestly did think that by now I would have more in my life. I know that is probably mad selfish but l don't mean it like that. I kmow people are struggling. I am forever grateful for all the good that I do have. But I just thought I'd be on my way to purchasing my first home with my fiance to start planning for "a little girl baby who apparently is trapped in my womb because an outside influence is hindering her arrival." According my one psychic I saw one time anyways.
Uuuggghhhhhhh why 26. That's so close go 30...
That means I have 4 years to get my shit sorted and make so many grown up life choices.
Whhhhyyyyyyyyyy meeeeeeee.
Whhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

I just brushed my teeth in the shower but now I need a stuff drink. Its going to taste awful.
I can't even manage a drink ffs.

Fml

I'm going to go cry to myself now.
Then brush my teeth again because alcohol.
Then go go bed because I'm old as shit.

Bye.

GG is baaccckkkk

Hey Guys, Hey! It's me again, your friendly inconsistent blogger.

Obviously because I'm here it's because either shit has gone down and I need to have a really passive aggressive vent orrrrrrr I've quit my job, have countless hours of free time and am sitting on the sofa in my undies eating corn chips again. I'll let you make the assumption of where my life is at right now.... DON'T JUDGE ME!

Just kidding you can judge me, I regret nothing!

K so, now that I have your full attention focused where I need it to be - on my life - I've decided to try once more to be consistent!!! I know, I know, it's not likely, but points for trying, right?

Ya, its exciting. So let's de-brief a little as a few lil things have gone down to get me to where I am feeling ready to blog again..

I don't remember where I left off (a whole year ago- oops) but it all started when I went to Europe in the sumer of 2017 for a bit.... just kidding again! Going to Europe is completely irrelevant to where I am today.. I just wanted to gloat a little because I did totally do that and it was COOL AS SHIT!!! ...
But actually, I left the medical industry (not that I've even ever spoken about that) to work in an entirely different industry. TBH, contrary to my age, I have had about 100 years experience in Medical so it was about time for me to try something new.
The goal was to try to find a job that was more suited to my personality.. You know, more fitting to me... Well, I found it! Guess what it was.... YOU'RE RIGHT IT WAS WINE!!! So clever of you! Go you!
It was fab. I loved it. Buttttt my boss was a dick so I threw the towel in last Tuesday. Because who needs a stable income and cheap af wine when ya look like this... Kidding again - I use humour to hide the pain. Ha. Ha. Ha............ RIP ME.

Now I'm living the dream and never want to go back to work again. Is it becauae I am destined to be a Toorak Mum? Maybe. Or is it because I'm mentally traumatised and scarred? Quite possibly.

I keep applying for jobs on SEEK and then not calling people back when they call for interviews. Yes, realistically I probably should work or do something with my life. But also it's like, why work? Life's hard. I want to nap whenever I want. I don't want your crumby rules and OHS. I want to close my damn eyes when someone is telling me important information and not be criticised for being sleepy! DON'T TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE JANET YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

You see, I have this problem where I am not particularly good at anything but also not particularly bad at anything. I am your average joe, with really great hair.  Besides that though, I also have no passions, no hobbies and no real drive to do really anything when its more than 23 degrees. Which makes it tricky because 1) summer and 2) Australia. 

The other day my jaw specialist.. Oh yeah, I have a jaw specialist now because I have a mad case of lock jaw.........Go ahead.... I'm waiting..... Make all the funnies you want, but just know that I officially have the best excuse to stinge on the BJs and there is absolutely nothing my boyfriend can say about it #summergoals.
Anyways, my jaw specialist was saying how I should focus on finding what makes me happy and do what I have to do to... I dunno...  to find inner... I dunno, inner something. It was hard to listen while he had his hands in my mouth... Lock jaw is fun.

My understanding is that I need to find what makes me happy then maybe my passions or whatever will find me. Apparently. Sounds like hippy jippy mumbo jumbo to me but APPARENTLY.

SO that's what I have been doing for the past week...

And now, after 6 whole days of soul searching, I know, with every ounce of my being, that love doing sweet FA. All day. Every single day. Like, I LOVE it.
Which I kinda already knew before.
Everyone keeps saying that I will get bored buttttttt I'm willing to put whatever money I have left aside on it and say I wont get bored at all.

Aaannyyywwaaayyyssss, I've been dabbling my feet in a few things of late. Turns out I also love wine more than I thought. Campbell's do this really nice Merlot, which I strongly recommend getting your little mitts on. I tried it once and now I cant stop thinking about it. It's like a fruit party in your mouth but also, if you drink it out of the correct wine glass (which I learnt all about- I swear your glass can change the flavour of your wine. Promise. I'm not making this up), you'll look super classy too. Win Win! I'm a real wine connoisseur.

On the opposite scale of things, turns out I don't have a lot of tolerance for being spoken to poorly. Five months actually, that's how much tolerance I have. After that it's a free for all and I apparently have no problems walking away from a sturdy income. Yolo? Is that still a thing?

After two failed jobs I had this moment of "is it me?" But just as quickly as I had that though, I had this sudden notion, and bear with the arrogance here.... I am a fairly decent looking, blonde, eager to please, young girl in a corporate environment... Ha! I am a living, breathing example of women being treated unfairly in the workplace!!! I'll explain this in another post. I have a lot of feels. I need time to put the feels into a legible state. I'm not crazy. I quit my last two jobs because I wasn't being treated fairly for the hours and work I was doing and was being criticised because a fully grown man wasn't capable of reading his own emails, text messages or calendar invitations. I quit because I was standing up for myself.
I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR. But not actually roar because I don't like loud noises and also I am bound by a contract...

So yeah. Now I have all this free time.
So yeah. I'm going to try and blog more.
So yeah. I'm going to go make myself my fourth coffee of the day and eat some toast. Because I'm a mofuckin budgeter and want to stretch this lush life out for as long as possible.
SO YEAH!

Also, quick TY to my boyf who is busting his balls with two jobs so we pay rent on time. You tha tru MVP boo.

Xoxo kb
(I am gossip girl now) .

Sick of your shit m8

Okay so lets real talk for a second…. If you are a girl, you are probably well aware of the fact that “information” kind of just falls in front of your nose whether you are looking for it or not. You are also probably aware that when you try to tell your significant other that their bad behavior will not go unnoticed forever, it kind of falls on deaf ears.

Well let me start today by saying that it will honestly NEVER cease to amaze me how goddam stupid boys are! Seriously. They are so dumb. It seems to be that they don't know when they have a good thing going… I'm not sure if this is some kind of genetic thing or what! But they seriously don't get it, do they????

I would like to declare this post as:

BOYS ARE FUCKING DUMB!

A memoir by yours truly.

I suppose this is the point where I release the disclaimer that I have a bit of a potty mouth today…. I am not sorry…

Now, I am going to do my best to keep this not at all personal, because God knows that if I name drop, shit will go down… I have been through this, my friends have been through this and my friend’s friend’s have been through this.

It's a disease. Surely! It has to be a disease! There is no other excuse as to why they can be such sons of bitches.

I realize I am probably being sexist. But I don't care. I feel this issue deep deep down in my pantaloons. In fact, I feel so passionately about it that I may not actually be able to properly express all of my feels. And besides, I am a girl, so I can really only explain this from a girls perspective… So like it or lump it, hoekay!

Look, I have BIG loyalty and trust issues (incase you haven’t ever picked up on that little faux pa). So big that Magnum P.I wouldn't dare cross me because, girl can find. Shit. AUWT!

I watch heaps of movies where the guys are so loyal and sweet to their partners and I eat that shit up! These men in these movies are next level. And I completely recognize that ther are fictional and that not everyone is going to be that perfect. But let me tell you something - they wouldn't ever dream of messaging another woman saying how they have been on their mind lately or to tell them how beautiful they are. ESPECIALLY while their girlfriends desperately try to please them in every which way (most of the time).  

If you are a boy and you are reading this, read this with me. Do it out loud!

GIRLS. KNOW. EVERYTHING!

And if they don't already know now: GIRLS. WILL. FIND. OUT. EVERYTHING!  

There is nothing that will get past us. NOTHING!

You might think that we don't know something, and truth be told, we might not… But we will.

We know because we stalk for hours on ends. There is not a time of the day where we are not stalking. And if we are not stalking, then our friends are stalking. Constantly watching and waiting. You know why!? Because we don't mind stalking. It’s kind of interesting for us. And if you think you can turn this back on us by saying “You shouldn't need to stalk”… Well, yeah. You are right. We shouldn't. So maybe you should ask yourself why we feel like we need to…. Mmmmm yeah… Didn't think of that did you Mr Smarty Pants.

If you think that you private messaging someone is going to go unnoticed, you are SO wrong. We live in the age of technology. Do not think that I can’t get into everything you own. Pls. Just don't.

Chances are that we KNOW that we will find something. And guess what? We might not even tell you that we know. But we know. And you need to know that.

Don’t be mistaken, because we don't always seek out to find something bad or incriminating. Girls put their faith in their partners and we HOPE that you are going to do the right thing. We are just naturally curious and like to know everything there is to know about out toys. Don't feel special, I could tell you exactly how many freckles my cabbage patch kid had on its face, way back in ’95. Why? Because we like to know our stuff. Specifically, about things that belong to us. 

It doesn't matter how we find this shit out. Sometimes it's many many hours of research, sometimes it body language, sometimes its rumors and sometimes it’s your reactions to us bringing things up with you. At the end of the day, how we know is completely irrelevant.  If there is a will, there is a way. And sometimes things fall straight into our laps…. Those are the best… 

If we are all being honest here, I am SO over it. Why are you all so stupid! How old are you? What would your mother thing? Better yet, what would you GRANDMOTHER think!? It is SUCH a disappointment to know that your spouse is betraying you. It's the kind of pit in your stomach feeling that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemies. Not nice. 

For me, I am a fairly open book. ESPECIALLY with my partner… I like to tell my partner everything that has happened in my past, present and future. Some of the things he doesn't “need” to know or may not even want to know… I tell him because I don't want him to ever read anything, or hear anything or feel like I am keeping things from him. And I most importantly don't want him to ever feel like an idiot or betrayed by me. I am not about that. I pride myself on honesty and respect. So for me, I just don't understand how the person that I'd meant to care about  youcan be so completely disrespectful!!??

Why lie? Why keep things from your partners? I don't understand?? If you aren’t happy, then why stay? If you want to message other girls, then leave your partner? If you want to respond to Snapchats of other girls in an inappropriate fashion, the just go! If you want to keep secrets about your past, why be with someone who is there to love every part of you (even the shady things). If you can't be honest then what’s the point? It might suck hearing some things or stories, but why lie or keep things from one another? Trust me when I tell you that the lie is often the worst part!!!!!! 

When a girl comes home and asks their partner about their day every single day, and when they cook dinner and for the most part do everything they can to give their partner the respect that they think they deserve, only to find out that they were over come with some horniness during the day and messaged someone else with some bullshit about how they were on their mind or that they miss them or they should catch up for coffee WINKY FACE… Or what-the-fuck-ever… You know what, that feels like absolute fucking shit.

And do you know that the real kicker here is that, if you do lie, or skip out on details, we will find out, and we won’t forget. We might move past them; we might keep the things we know to ourselves. Hell! We will might even forgive you. But we don't forget. And that WILL bite you in the ass one way or another. 

Stupid boys. 
Stop lying!
I’m angry.
Seriously!

If you are a girl, or a boy for that matter, if you are in a relationship and your partner feels the need to lie and cheat (physically or emotionally) then you need to teach yourself to do better by yourself. And while I am not the most prime example for this because I have fallen trap to these situations one too many times, I am slowly learning my worth and I hope that if I fall into one of these situations again, like so many of those around me do, I hope that I will get my shit together and walk away with my head held high.

Girls know shit.

I know I sure as hell don’t deserve to be taken for a ride by some guy who thinks he can have the best of both worlds.

I ain't fuckin wit chu.
Idiots.

 
Ciao Ciao Meow
xx

Shit son.

Lets not beat around the bush. My commitment levels really went out the window for all of 2015. It wasn't really due to much other than the fact that I had A LOT going on. Not all good either. So writing really got pushed to the back of the bunch.  But look, maybe we could just look at it as a kind of accomplishment. Right? A new record for the amount of months I can successfully abandon something…… Shut up! I am super busy okay… Sort of…. I AM!

I also forgot my password, so I technically couldn't log back in......

Heaps has gone on these past 365+ days. So lets have a quick catch up, shall we? 

I still reside in Melbourne aaannndddd I can safely say that Melbourne has it in for me. Seriously. It really does. I am not being dramatic. Melbourne HATES me. In the past year I have had more bad luck than a black cat…. I don’t actually know if black cats have bad luck, but I googled what has really bad luck and “black cat” is all that came up. The point I am trying to make here is that I am super unfortunate. Lemony Snicket don't got nothin on me!!!

Let me now break this down a bit more for you, because I really don’t think you understand:

When I first moved to Melbourne I got a really crappy job. Turns out working with P’s and V’s really isn’t that appealing. Probably because I didn't get to touch them…. HA! That's gross! I am just kidding. I am a saint. Plus, all the ones that were coming in were sick. Sick P’s and V’s…. Yep… That was my job……Looking after sick P’s and V’s….……………… I worked in Urology… Just to fill in those blanks. It was terrible. It lasted about 3 months before I moved on to the world of bone(rs)…. I moved into Orthopaedics…. As stated in my last post (20 years ago) IM DA MO”FUCKIN BOSS!!! But actually. I am. It is great. I am still poor though. Not great.

Anyway, while I was working with the many P’s and V’s, I got pretty sick which I put down to the adjustment from Queensland to Victoria. Butttt medically speaking, I had pneumonia and it messed with my immune system. FUN TIMES. After that I was diagnosed with a late onset of asthma. Whoda thunk it. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Apprently it is.

After that and after the whole ‘crashing into a kangaroo at 100km/ph when moving to Melb’ situation, my car broke down about 6 times. That sucked. At this point I was even poorer than before I was poor.

Then my roommate and I had to move out of our first apartment because old mate who lived below us decided to have a meth induced spack attack and threaten to kill us. That was exciting. Long story short, after many trips to the police station, we had to break our lease and move so that he couldn't hurt us. Bless. On the plus side, I got to move into a much nicer apartment. HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW MELBOURNE!! Huh!?? HUH!???

All was well for about… I dunno… A month??

Then something else happened but that is super personal so I can’t talk about that….. But it was DRAMMAAA!!!! Another killer time to be had by me.

Neeexxxtttt I think…. Oh yeah!! My car got broken into!!! I LOVE MELBOURNE!!! They stole my beloved DKNY I-will-never-be-able-to-afford-again handbag and an eftpos machine that I used for work…. An eftpos machine which my boss then tried to get me to pay for….. NO SIREE SUNSHINE!! That didn't end up happening… For obvious reasons.

Speaking of cars, not long after that, mine broke down again. No wait, first it had ice on the windscreen one morning that didn't defrost properly so when I went to use my windscreen wipers, they completely bent out of shape and were jutting out in all directions. Fun fact: my mechanic had never heard of, nor could understand how ice caused the amount of damage that was done… You know why…. BECAUSE MELBOURNE HATES MY GUTS AND WANTS ME TO SUFFER!!!!!!! That's why Mr Mechanic!!! ..... He wasn't to know.

Then I think it was a day or 2 after the windscreen drama when my car had some engine issue or something... Miley Micra was off to the doctors yet again.

About 2 weeks later I got my car back. On that same day I drove to work and went to park in the same car park that I park in every single god forsaken day. When I got there, there was some fance car parked a little bit over the white line. Keeping in mind that where I work doctors surround me, so I am not exaggerating (not that I totally ever do anyway) the fance-ness (technical tern) of this car.  Naturally I didn't want to hit aforementioned fance car. So I swung in. AND RELEIF, no one got hurt… But I thought I best straighten up…. So I did………. Unsuccessfully…. I reversed into a pole…………… Classic Melbourne misshap.

Now, don't go thinking, “You are female. Females can’t drive.” No! No no no no nonononononono!!! I CAN drive. I have not had any accidents (I wasn’t driving when we hit the kangaroo) and I have only ever received 1 speeding fine because I was in a rush… Which is completely an okay reason when you are 19 years old (possibly 21). I am a great driver so just shut your whore mouth!!! I was trying to be respectful of Mr Fance car. But no. That backfired. Because Melbourne wants to fight me.

Moving along, I got sick about 800 times between the move and the pole sitchu. Add that to the list.

Theeennnnnn ahh… Yes…. A spider bit my toe….. This might not sound like a big deal but I am not kidding when I say that there was talk of having it amputated…. By actual professionals… Shit. Got. Hectic. Real fast!! They wanted to chop my sweet sweet baby toe off!! We couldn't have that could we!?

Basically, the story behind this is that I was bitten on the toe by a white tail spider (again, didn’t even know that existed) but I thought it was a mozzie bite and I was just having a reaction (I am allergic so that kind of thing wasn't uncommon). BAH BOWMMM. It wasn't a mosquito bite. After much pain, swelling and prompting, I went to hospital to only learn that the infection was spreading through my body quite fast (which had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I had left it 3 whole days, played 3 games of beach volleyball and wore high heels to work everyday). I THOUGHT IT WAS A MOSQUITO BITE OKAY!! Don't judge me!!!

Three nights in hospital later, my toe started to change colour… A lovely grey/purple/lack-of-circulation colour. I was then given enough Penicillin for an 80-kilo man to try and stop the venom in my body. PLOT TWIST: I am not an 80-kilo man. SECOND PLOT TWIST: I am severely allergic to penicillin.

I then spent 2 days pooping blood. That was a great time. Truly. So much fun thinking that you’re dying. Amazing.

Eventually my toe turned black. That was also super exciting. That's when the whole “Look, there is a chance that we may have to amputate your toe  and we need you to be prepared for that because it looks like necrosis/gangrene”.  HOW SUPER!!!

I kept the toe. No one worry. After a change in drugs and many weeks later, it healed up nicely.

MOVING ONTO THE NEXT DRAMA:

$200 went missing from work. I had to take the fall even though I had nothing to do with it. I had $200 taken out of my pay the week before Christmas. Except then I received a call from a patient who told me her senile mother accidently thought it was her money and took it off the counter and put it in her bag. Sooooo take that Melbourne, because I got my 2 hungee back!! Bitch!! COME AT ME MELBS!

Then Christmas happened and that was wonderful……….. Because I was in safe Queensland again

Then I came back to Melbourne and another something happened that I also can’t write about because you know, personal…. But that happened too… That was not ideal.
Now, this is the only time where you have to feel bad for me. It was SO personal that it falls into the not-blog-appropriate column. So you know that it was bad. Trust me. Actually, I'd go as far to say that this incident was the worst thing that had happened since I moved.... But I can't talk about it... So soz bout it.

OK OK OK now what I AM about to tell you next you aren’t allowed to laugh at okay. It was very serious and it hurt!……..

I dropped a kilo of frozen chicken on my big toe and broke it…………..

Chicken broke my toe.

Frozen chicken.

I know there are SO many great puns that should come into play here, but ITS NOT FUNNY! It really did hurt!! I failed to stack the freezer properly and it fell out and got me. Now my doctor says it will take up to a year to properly heal!! WHAT THE HELL MELBOURNE!!

I swear to god, all of this stuff would not have happened if I still lived in the sunshine state!!! Bible!

After that things started to look up. Honestly, they really did. Until I had to fly up to Queensland again this past April. I had a really bad bout of Aerosinusitis Barotrauma, which is something I often get when flying. I can only advise you Google it. It is horrid and has been compared to the feeling of a brain aneurysm. But don't worry about adding it to the list of unforch happenings because I have been getting this while flying for quite a few years now. Melbs doesn't have to take the blame for that disaster.

This particular bout left me with damage to my front teeth, which has only JUST resolved. I also was blowing blood clots out of my nose for about a week and as a result of the trauma to my sinus cavities, I ended up with a nasty sinus infection. But that healed too after about a month. SO BOOM!

Since then things have been looking up… Slowly…. I did drop my phone on its face last week and stuffed it completely but I got a new one that is pretty fab. So nur nur Melbourne. Look at me, taking the high road.

Annnndddddddd that pretty much brings us back up to speed. See you in another year… Just kidding… I might write again. Depends how I am feeling. Kidding. Maybe.

Oh yeah, I suppose I should mention some good stuff too. But just quickly…

On a positive, I still have le boy that I met way back when. So that's something. He is super painful, but you know, Ill keep keeping him around because Melbourne is actually super cold in Winter, and the hot water bottle really isn’t cutting it……. Just kidding…. I’m not…. Melbourne really is cold… Even in warmer seasons too… But overall le boy/our relationship has come a long way. While there is still a fair amount of room for improvement on some things, credit where credit is due, le boyf has upped his game (Note to Bf: if you read this don't stab me! Pls.)- He really is a good egg and I have much lava for him.

I ALSO HAVE BLONDISH HAIR AGAIN!

AND IM GOING TO EUROPE WITH LE BOYF IN AUGUST!

AND I STUDIED + GRADUATED IN INTERIOR DESIGN!

AND MY FAMILY IS ALL REALLY GREAT!!!!

AND I HAVE NEW FRIENDS TOO!!!

Look at all the things and stuff!! It’s not all bad. But Melbourne still hates me. But its okay because in the sweet words of some little Asian girl on Vine, “I don't care if you don't like me, I looovvveee me”.

 
That is all.

 
BYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

My neck, my back, my pussy and my crack IS BACK TO BLOGGER!!

Happy 2015 monkeys!! Or 2k15 as all you trendy hipsters are calling it these days!!

It has been so so long since I last posted anything – mostly because I’ve actually been pretty busy with life…. Its got absolutely nothing to do with how non-committal and lazy I am… Seriously!!! THIS ISNT A JOKE!! I have actually been life-busy!!

I can only assume that you must have just found yourself internally asking yourself ‘what could you have possibly been doing for how ever many hundreds of days that you have completely and utterly abandoned us?”…. Well my humble butt pugs, I have been traveling, meeting people, moving out of home then moving interstate, playing, working and other things and stuff!!!!

I can’t even remember the last thing I wrote about... It’s been THAT long… I bet it was probably something super witty and hilarious. Obviously!! But whatever it was, I’m back now and you can sleep easy once more... Plus I’m all about paragraphs now. Can you tell?? No? Don’t worry, you will soon!

So my fragile little memory bank doesn’t serve too much purpose as its only really capable of taking me back a couple days (accurately anyways) so bare with me while I gather what I have been up to for about a billion days………

I remember at one point, though I don’t remember if I shared this or not, that I was saving a dickload of cash so I could go over the New York with my best friend. We spent about 4 hours one night on the phone because we were too lazy to drive to one another’s house, which were literally like 15minutes away from one another. It was great. We never made it to New York. 

We did however go to Melbourne about 6 times in approximately 3 months… That was something. I met a boy there. I was immediately taken back because he was SO nice and amazing and great, but LIAR!! 
Ahhhhh I'm just joshin' with ya, he's still around but we will get to that soon. Anyways, point is that after my many trips to Melbourne, I used up all my cash and now I’m Ethiopian-level poor again. SHIBBY! 

Last Feb I also moved out of my parent’s house, which was possibly the biggest step ever… So I thought…. Actually no, it probably was… It was the biggest step… I thought about it and I can confirm that it 100% was the biggest step…

I moved MAYBE 10 minutes down the road aaaannnddd cried the whole way there. It was super traumatic and emotional. 

After that I was officially a substantial amount of years into my twenties and finally a grown up! Life was on track. Sort of… I mean, as much as a twenty something with no money from multiple spontaneous Melbourne trips life can be. 

I lived out of home with my best friend and some other people for abouttttt 4 months before my best friend and I kicked everyone out so we could live in a 4-bedroomhouse, alone with cats. Those were the days… THE DAYS I LEARNT THAT CATS SHUT MY AIRWAYS DOWN…. I got real sick… That was something too. That was maybe 5 months into living with them, I think? Give or take a few breaths… HA! See what I did there!!

Amidst the months of out of home (10 mins down the road) living, I decided that it would be a good idea to pack my bags and move to Melbourne in September… So I did… But it was okay because I had moved 10 minutes down the road with only having had cried for a whole day, so surely two states away was going to be a breeze. Right?? 

I spent about 3 months convincing the world that I wasn’t moving to Melbourne because my fance new boyf lived down there... BECAUSE I WASN’T!! – Hell, I’m a grown ass woman; I don’t need to revolve my life around some boy and his whereabouts… Yeah it was great and all that he lived down there, but I do what I want. People pls. 

So yeah, the move was actually a piece of piss. 

Didn’t even cry.

Not once.

LOL JKS!

Cried so hard.

But only because my parents and brother came down with me for the move to help me set up... And I was actually completely fine… I’m talking like, negative 100 tears into the move, until my at this point- we shall call him my ‘not-so-fance new boyfriend’ because he decided to play some sappy music on the way home from leaving my parents before they flew back to sunny Queensland… Bastard!

Ok so at this point I’m in Melbourne. Long story short, I got a job. It was shit. I got a new job. It was good. I’m still at that job and am the mo’fuckin’ boss ma niggas YEH bitch! I got really sick when I moved down again. I’m not sick now. I’m still broke. I only just got a table and chairs for my apartment and I didn’t even buy them because you know... no cash money… 

I swing between my humble abode and my boyfriends home… OH YEAH, I also convinced aforementioned best friend to move with me! YAY FRIENDS!! … And by convinced I mean that I told her I was leaving and she got drunk, cried so hard that I had to go and collect her from the club, she told me that I’m the business and then in a split drunk-cry she decided she wanted to come with…. So she did! 

OH MY GOD MOTHER OF MARY I FORGOT TO TELL YOU TWO OTHER THINGS!!!

SO I drove with my Dad to Melbourne because I wanted my car with me for when I arrived. ROOKIE ERROR!! Guess who crashed into a kangaroo at 100 kilometers per hour, on a dark road at 4 am in the morning…. THIS GUY!! *Points to self*… Now THAT was something…  

We walked away with a bit of whiplash and a sore chest/face from all the airbags going off... My poor car however wasn’t so lucky... She got towed away and repaired for a month and a bit because she was so badly damaged… In fact, she was just slightly off being a write off… I personally think she shouldn’t have made it back to the roads. Especially considering I’ve had to take her to be repaired another 3 TIMES since being fixed but that’s a story for another day… we don’t want me getting angry here.  So yeah. Oops. That was another something.

Moving along... On the subject of cars… So mine was finally up and running with no complications (3 months after having officially moved) and all of a sudden my best friend/room mates car just casually exploded in our driveway causing a massive fire. Now she is without a car!! SO LUCK!! And that was also something!!

But all is good in the hood for now. I’ve been back to visit home about three times which has been fab. My ‘fance new boyf’ is now my ‘fance boyf who gives me more headaches than orga…..’ JUST KIDDING… Im gonna stop there before I say something wildly inappropriate for the sake of lols and get cut off from the goods… and by goods I mean  the D… and by D I mean, all the Delish food he fills me with because I’m a badass cooker… and by baddass cooker, I mean that I can’t make two minute noodles unless I read the packaging at least three times prior to cooking. No but seriously, he is painful at times but he is a gem. I promise!!

Annnddddd That’s what I’ve been up to and why I’ve been MIA since October 2013. 

Now in my spare time I like to watch a lot of TV…  Because again, living below the poverty line has its days. But I mean, at least I look fabulous doing so because the shopping down here is the bees knees and at any point when I do have money I like to spend it on lavish outfits that sit in my cupboard because im too poor after buying them to go anywhere!! HAZZAH FOR ADULTHOOD.

Ok that’s all

BYYYYEEEEEEEE!!! 

All that matters

It's been a while. But who care because today while I was at work I had about six of my male friends pop up on my Facebook having liked "guys will never understand girls"..... Seriously.... Did I dream this... Were the mushrooms in my salad really magic??? Did. I. fall. from. a. Godforsaken. building. and. land. on. my. head?!

Like c'mon guys, really!? This has got to be a joke. SURELY. 

It baffles me how guys think they have the right to sit around and say that they will never understand girls.... ARE YOU ACTUALLY KIDDING ME!!??? It might rain glitter in a girls fairy garden once a month, but Jesus Christ, you bastards must swim in the ocean red every goddam day!

Its like the meme thing from a few months ago... STOP DOING THIS TOO ME!! I'm outraged. If I knew how, I'd make my own Facebook page called "guys need to use their brains and stop being hypocrites" or "you did this" or "it's a two way street motherfucker". 

Look, just so you know, I think a few F bombs may get dropped here. And i feel like this may be a similar post to ones I've already written... You know, the type where by the end i have to strongly consider lesbianism... But that's okay because thats just how crazy I am about this.... And yes, a crazy girl writes blog about how girls aren't crazy..... I KNOW OKAY! I. KNOW. Lets get past it now before I continue...................

Forever being a contradiction.

God only knows how many times I've sat at home thinking to myself "It has to be me... I must be the crazy one... Have I done something wrong... Why is he being like this... It had to have been something I said" *scrolls through entire conversation dating back to 2008* "I don't think I have.. No I must have... He liked me yesterday... Why don't you like me today... Is he angry... Bad day?..... BAD ME???"

No bitch, it's not you, IT'S THEM. 

The reason you are crazy is because they are crazy!!!

Girls are easy. We've been though this.. If they don't like you; they ignore you no matter what. If they like you; they will talk to you no matter what. Dah.

Boys on the other hand. If they don't like you; they would still bang you. And If they do like you; they will talk to you, then not talk to you, then talk to you, then just want sex, then not talk to you, then want to date you, then not talk to you, then love you, then talk to you, then not talk to you, then only want sex, then only want want a family with seven children and six dogs, then don't talk to you, then just want more sex, then don't talk to you again, AND THEN THEY FUCKING TALK TO YOU!!! 

What. The. Actual. Shit. 

Then the assholes have the audacity to like a Facebook page encouraging more assholes to think that girls are hard to understand. TRY DATING ONE OF YOUR OWN KIND YOU SELFISH LITTLE PIECE OF ASS!! 

I know I've said it before, but I'm a fairly straight forward kind of girl. If I like you, well look, ill probably just talk to you all the time and borderline tip toe on the boundaries of being impressive and unimpressive. You should know where I'm at judging by how much I talk to you... And correct me if I'm wrong, Im pretty sure you can judge most girls by this. 

SO IM SORRY IF YOU ARE CONFUSED BY MY CONSTANT ATTENTION, FOREVER CHEERY ATTITUDE AND SUGGESTIVE WINK FACES!!!!! 

Girls are crazy in the sense that we do certain things that probably have very little need to be done in order to obtain something bigger... So I can see the logic in not knowing why that happens... But the bigger picture here is that we wouldn't go the long way around things if we knew what the hell was up with guys and all their nuts (pun intended). 

Guys need to get their shit together. The only reason girls seem like they are all over the place is because they are put into a state of confusion because guys are so hot and cold. Katy Perry knows what's up. 

"Boys will never understand makeup" ... I get that

"Boys will never understand a girls need to shop"... Yep, I get it

"Girls will never understand girls" ... I get that

Even, "Boys will never understand the value of a good woman"... I get that too

But "boys will never understand girls"... Well, that's your own fault. 

I'm done here. I think I've made my point.

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

filthy filthy filthy tramp

Disclaimer: What I'm about to tell you is quite simply just long winded series of events that have taken place over the last 15 minutes that will probably build you up to what may be the biggest anti-climax of the year. I'm just letting you know before you get to the end and realise that the time that I wasted responding to the event, you probably just wasted reading about it... You're welcome.

SO! I have been brainstorming about what my next post should be about and I had a few really cool ideas running wild in my head. Unfortunately, while I had been on a rampant thinking expedition I received a snap chat from someone who I thought was a contact I knew, but I actually don't think it is... I'm wasn't entirely sure at the time to be honest.
It was just a big ol blurr with the words "nice tits" written over it..... This really wouldn't have been overly concerning given that a) Thanks? and b) I've never sent a nude photo to anyone in my life let alone over snapchat to someone who I potentially don't even know. So maybe it was meant for someone else? However, the problem stood solid as when I opened the snap, I was seemingly standing butt naked in the middle of my bedroom. Now, to explain, I had just stepped out of the shower a few moments earlier... Standing around naked at eleven o'clock at night isn't really the norm for me, I swear.
So anyways, I'm sure you can see the dilemma I had on my hands.
But wait there's more!! The concern didn't just stop here. No siree. You see, while I was in the aforementioned shower, I decided to test the waterproof function on my mobile... Don't worry, verdict is that it works. So if nothing else, I can safely let you all know that the Sony Xperia Z is a waterproof hunk of shit.
Naturally, given the circumstances, things didn't look good for me at this point? First the present nakedness and then the waterproof theory testing. So an amount of panic set in. And to top it off, having the knowledge that my phone has a pretty poor track record for doing weird shit (even though its only one goddam week old) I thought to myself "holy dick, I've captured a tit mid test." - Words I never thought I'd find myself thinking.
I quickly scrolled through my snap history- There was nothing there. I had a look through my photo album- Also nothing. So I went back to my to my snap chat feed. I was confused. Very, very confused. I started to feel a little bit at ease. But then I remembered that I'm the girl that weird unexplainable things happen to. I'm the girl who's phone probably would send a titpic and leave no trace. In fact, I'm the girl who's phone would have sent a boxshot and titpic simultaneously to everyone in my contacts list. In fact, even to people not in my contacts list. Because that's the sort of bullshit life likes to throw at me. I mean, im not complaining because sometimes its pretty damn funny. This however, not so much. Terrifying? Yes. Funny? Nada.
You see, the whole reason I went with the Xperia Z and not the Galaxy S4 was because of that whole eye motion business. I don't want my phone seeing where my eyes are. If it can see my eyes what else can it see me doing??!! What's that movie where there are robots and they turn on the humans?? That's what would happen. I'm not okay with this. I chose the Xperia because, well, I don't know why. For one, it can't see me doing shit- literally and metaphorically, I suppose.
Aaannnyyyywwaaayyyssss, so the moment came where I received another snap from the same person. I was scared. I was expecting an
"awks, you just sent me a pic of your tit lol" type of message. I opened it. Another blank message. Only this time with the words "Nice ass, grab your tits and show me cleavage" written over it ........................................................ You've got to be shitting me right? I just had a mild panic attack, NAKED, in my bedroom, at eleven oclock at night, in the middle of winter because I thought my phone had pulled a swifty on me. All for some punk ass little seedy asshole to most probably be sending bulk creepy snaps to every girl they've managed to creep on asking for nudes. I swear to god.
While I was infuriated and wanted to go ballistic on this persons ass for making me shit an entire brick. Snap chat doesn't let you send more than, I dunno, like 30 characters or something. So being the lady that i am, i sent him this. I feel like it did the trick. He hasn't sent me anything since.