Sick of your shit m8

Okay so lets real talk for a second…. If you are a girl, you are probably well aware of the fact that “information” kind of just falls in front of your nose whether you are looking for it or not. You are also probably aware that when you try to tell your significant other that their bad behavior will not go unnoticed forever, it kind of falls on deaf ears.

Well let me start today by saying that it will honestly NEVER cease to amaze me how goddam stupid boys are! Seriously. They are so dumb. It seems to be that they don't know when they have a good thing going… I'm not sure if this is some kind of genetic thing or what! But they seriously don't get it, do they????

I would like to declare this post as:

BOYS ARE FUCKING DUMB!

A memoir by yours truly.

I suppose this is the point where I release the disclaimer that I have a bit of a potty mouth today…. I am not sorry…

Now, I am going to do my best to keep this not at all personal, because God knows that if I name drop, shit will go down… I have been through this, my friends have been through this and my friend’s friend’s have been through this.

It's a disease. Surely! It has to be a disease! There is no other excuse as to why they can be such sons of bitches.

I realize I am probably being sexist. But I don't care. I feel this issue deep deep down in my pantaloons. In fact, I feel so passionately about it that I may not actually be able to properly express all of my feels. And besides, I am a girl, so I can really only explain this from a girls perspective… So like it or lump it, hoekay!

Look, I have BIG loyalty and trust issues (incase you haven’t ever picked up on that little faux pa). So big that Magnum P.I wouldn't dare cross me because, girl can find. Shit. AUWT!

I watch heaps of movies where the guys are so loyal and sweet to their partners and I eat that shit up! These men in these movies are next level. And I completely recognize that ther are fictional and that not everyone is going to be that perfect. But let me tell you something - they wouldn't ever dream of messaging another woman saying how they have been on their mind lately or to tell them how beautiful they are. ESPECIALLY while their girlfriends desperately try to please them in every which way (most of the time).  

If you are a boy and you are reading this, read this with me. Do it out loud!

GIRLS. KNOW. EVERYTHING!

And if they don't already know now: GIRLS. WILL. FIND. OUT. EVERYTHING!  

There is nothing that will get past us. NOTHING!

You might think that we don't know something, and truth be told, we might not… But we will.

We know because we stalk for hours on ends. There is not a time of the day where we are not stalking. And if we are not stalking, then our friends are stalking. Constantly watching and waiting. You know why!? Because we don't mind stalking. It’s kind of interesting for us. And if you think you can turn this back on us by saying “You shouldn't need to stalk”… Well, yeah. You are right. We shouldn't. So maybe you should ask yourself why we feel like we need to…. Mmmmm yeah… Didn't think of that did you Mr Smarty Pants.

If you think that you private messaging someone is going to go unnoticed, you are SO wrong. We live in the age of technology. Do not think that I can’t get into everything you own. Pls. Just don't.

Chances are that we KNOW that we will find something. And guess what? We might not even tell you that we know. But we know. And you need to know that.

Don’t be mistaken, because we don't always seek out to find something bad or incriminating. Girls put their faith in their partners and we HOPE that you are going to do the right thing. We are just naturally curious and like to know everything there is to know about out toys. Don't feel special, I could tell you exactly how many freckles my cabbage patch kid had on its face, way back in ’95. Why? Because we like to know our stuff. Specifically, about things that belong to us. 

It doesn't matter how we find this shit out. Sometimes it's many many hours of research, sometimes it body language, sometimes its rumors and sometimes it’s your reactions to us bringing things up with you. At the end of the day, how we know is completely irrelevant.  If there is a will, there is a way. And sometimes things fall straight into our laps…. Those are the best… 

If we are all being honest here, I am SO over it. Why are you all so stupid! How old are you? What would your mother thing? Better yet, what would you GRANDMOTHER think!? It is SUCH a disappointment to know that your spouse is betraying you. It's the kind of pit in your stomach feeling that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemies. Not nice. 

For me, I am a fairly open book. ESPECIALLY with my partner… I like to tell my partner everything that has happened in my past, present and future. Some of the things he doesn't “need” to know or may not even want to know… I tell him because I don't want him to ever read anything, or hear anything or feel like I am keeping things from him. And I most importantly don't want him to ever feel like an idiot or betrayed by me. I am not about that. I pride myself on honesty and respect. So for me, I just don't understand how the person that I'd meant to care about  youcan be so completely disrespectful!!??

Why lie? Why keep things from your partners? I don't understand?? If you aren’t happy, then why stay? If you want to message other girls, then leave your partner? If you want to respond to Snapchats of other girls in an inappropriate fashion, the just go! If you want to keep secrets about your past, why be with someone who is there to love every part of you (even the shady things). If you can't be honest then what’s the point? It might suck hearing some things or stories, but why lie or keep things from one another? Trust me when I tell you that the lie is often the worst part!!!!!! 

When a girl comes home and asks their partner about their day every single day, and when they cook dinner and for the most part do everything they can to give their partner the respect that they think they deserve, only to find out that they were over come with some horniness during the day and messaged someone else with some bullshit about how they were on their mind or that they miss them or they should catch up for coffee WINKY FACE… Or what-the-fuck-ever… You know what, that feels like absolute fucking shit.

And do you know that the real kicker here is that, if you do lie, or skip out on details, we will find out, and we won’t forget. We might move past them; we might keep the things we know to ourselves. Hell! We will might even forgive you. But we don't forget. And that WILL bite you in the ass one way or another. 

Stupid boys. 
Stop lying!
I’m angry.
Seriously!

If you are a girl, or a boy for that matter, if you are in a relationship and your partner feels the need to lie and cheat (physically or emotionally) then you need to teach yourself to do better by yourself. And while I am not the most prime example for this because I have fallen trap to these situations one too many times, I am slowly learning my worth and I hope that if I fall into one of these situations again, like so many of those around me do, I hope that I will get my shit together and walk away with my head held high.

Girls know shit.

I know I sure as hell don’t deserve to be taken for a ride by some guy who thinks he can have the best of both worlds.

I ain't fuckin wit chu.
Idiots.

 
Ciao Ciao Meow
xx

Shit son.

Lets not beat around the bush. My commitment levels really went out the window for all of 2015. It wasn't really due to much other than the fact that I had A LOT going on. Not all good either. So writing really got pushed to the back of the bunch.  But look, maybe we could just look at it as a kind of accomplishment. Right? A new record for the amount of months I can successfully abandon something…… Shut up! I am super busy okay… Sort of…. I AM!

I also forgot my password, so I technically couldn't log back in......

Heaps has gone on these past 365+ days. So lets have a quick catch up, shall we? 

I still reside in Melbourne aaannndddd I can safely say that Melbourne has it in for me. Seriously. It really does. I am not being dramatic. Melbourne HATES me. In the past year I have had more bad luck than a black cat…. I don’t actually know if black cats have bad luck, but I googled what has really bad luck and “black cat” is all that came up. The point I am trying to make here is that I am super unfortunate. Lemony Snicket don't got nothin on me!!!

Let me now break this down a bit more for you, because I really don’t think you understand:

When I first moved to Melbourne I got a really crappy job. Turns out working with P’s and V’s really isn’t that appealing. Probably because I didn't get to touch them…. HA! That's gross! I am just kidding. I am a saint. Plus, all the ones that were coming in were sick. Sick P’s and V’s…. Yep… That was my job……Looking after sick P’s and V’s….……………… I worked in Urology… Just to fill in those blanks. It was terrible. It lasted about 3 months before I moved on to the world of bone(rs)…. I moved into Orthopaedics…. As stated in my last post (20 years ago) IM DA MO”FUCKIN BOSS!!! But actually. I am. It is great. I am still poor though. Not great.

Anyway, while I was working with the many P’s and V’s, I got pretty sick which I put down to the adjustment from Queensland to Victoria. Butttt medically speaking, I had pneumonia and it messed with my immune system. FUN TIMES. After that I was diagnosed with a late onset of asthma. Whoda thunk it. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Apprently it is.

After that and after the whole ‘crashing into a kangaroo at 100km/ph when moving to Melb’ situation, my car broke down about 6 times. That sucked. At this point I was even poorer than before I was poor.

Then my roommate and I had to move out of our first apartment because old mate who lived below us decided to have a meth induced spack attack and threaten to kill us. That was exciting. Long story short, after many trips to the police station, we had to break our lease and move so that he couldn't hurt us. Bless. On the plus side, I got to move into a much nicer apartment. HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW MELBOURNE!! Huh!?? HUH!???

All was well for about… I dunno… A month??

Then something else happened but that is super personal so I can’t talk about that….. But it was DRAMMAAA!!!! Another killer time to be had by me.

Neeexxxtttt I think…. Oh yeah!! My car got broken into!!! I LOVE MELBOURNE!!! They stole my beloved DKNY I-will-never-be-able-to-afford-again handbag and an eftpos machine that I used for work…. An eftpos machine which my boss then tried to get me to pay for….. NO SIREE SUNSHINE!! That didn't end up happening… For obvious reasons.

Speaking of cars, not long after that, mine broke down again. No wait, first it had ice on the windscreen one morning that didn't defrost properly so when I went to use my windscreen wipers, they completely bent out of shape and were jutting out in all directions. Fun fact: my mechanic had never heard of, nor could understand how ice caused the amount of damage that was done… You know why…. BECAUSE MELBOURNE HATES MY GUTS AND WANTS ME TO SUFFER!!!!!!! That's why Mr Mechanic!!! ..... He wasn't to know.

Then I think it was a day or 2 after the windscreen drama when my car had some engine issue or something... Miley Micra was off to the doctors yet again.

About 2 weeks later I got my car back. On that same day I drove to work and went to park in the same car park that I park in every single god forsaken day. When I got there, there was some fance car parked a little bit over the white line. Keeping in mind that where I work doctors surround me, so I am not exaggerating (not that I totally ever do anyway) the fance-ness (technical tern) of this car.  Naturally I didn't want to hit aforementioned fance car. So I swung in. AND RELEIF, no one got hurt… But I thought I best straighten up…. So I did………. Unsuccessfully…. I reversed into a pole…………… Classic Melbourne misshap.

Now, don't go thinking, “You are female. Females can’t drive.” No! No no no no nonononononono!!! I CAN drive. I have not had any accidents (I wasn’t driving when we hit the kangaroo) and I have only ever received 1 speeding fine because I was in a rush… Which is completely an okay reason when you are 19 years old (possibly 21). I am a great driver so just shut your whore mouth!!! I was trying to be respectful of Mr Fance car. But no. That backfired. Because Melbourne wants to fight me.

Moving along, I got sick about 800 times between the move and the pole sitchu. Add that to the list.

Theeennnnnn ahh… Yes…. A spider bit my toe….. This might not sound like a big deal but I am not kidding when I say that there was talk of having it amputated…. By actual professionals… Shit. Got. Hectic. Real fast!! They wanted to chop my sweet sweet baby toe off!! We couldn't have that could we!?

Basically, the story behind this is that I was bitten on the toe by a white tail spider (again, didn’t even know that existed) but I thought it was a mozzie bite and I was just having a reaction (I am allergic so that kind of thing wasn't uncommon). BAH BOWMMM. It wasn't a mosquito bite. After much pain, swelling and prompting, I went to hospital to only learn that the infection was spreading through my body quite fast (which had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I had left it 3 whole days, played 3 games of beach volleyball and wore high heels to work everyday). I THOUGHT IT WAS A MOSQUITO BITE OKAY!! Don't judge me!!!

Three nights in hospital later, my toe started to change colour… A lovely grey/purple/lack-of-circulation colour. I was then given enough Penicillin for an 80-kilo man to try and stop the venom in my body. PLOT TWIST: I am not an 80-kilo man. SECOND PLOT TWIST: I am severely allergic to penicillin.

I then spent 2 days pooping blood. That was a great time. Truly. So much fun thinking that you’re dying. Amazing.

Eventually my toe turned black. That was also super exciting. That's when the whole “Look, there is a chance that we may have to amputate your toe  and we need you to be prepared for that because it looks like necrosis/gangrene”.  HOW SUPER!!!

I kept the toe. No one worry. After a change in drugs and many weeks later, it healed up nicely.

MOVING ONTO THE NEXT DRAMA:

$200 went missing from work. I had to take the fall even though I had nothing to do with it. I had $200 taken out of my pay the week before Christmas. Except then I received a call from a patient who told me her senile mother accidently thought it was her money and took it off the counter and put it in her bag. Sooooo take that Melbourne, because I got my 2 hungee back!! Bitch!! COME AT ME MELBS!

Then Christmas happened and that was wonderful……….. Because I was in safe Queensland again

Then I came back to Melbourne and another something happened that I also can’t write about because you know, personal…. But that happened too… That was not ideal.
Now, this is the only time where you have to feel bad for me. It was SO personal that it falls into the not-blog-appropriate column. So you know that it was bad. Trust me. Actually, I'd go as far to say that this incident was the worst thing that had happened since I moved.... But I can't talk about it... So soz bout it.

OK OK OK now what I AM about to tell you next you aren’t allowed to laugh at okay. It was very serious and it hurt!……..

I dropped a kilo of frozen chicken on my big toe and broke it…………..

Chicken broke my toe.

Frozen chicken.

I know there are SO many great puns that should come into play here, but ITS NOT FUNNY! It really did hurt!! I failed to stack the freezer properly and it fell out and got me. Now my doctor says it will take up to a year to properly heal!! WHAT THE HELL MELBOURNE!!

I swear to god, all of this stuff would not have happened if I still lived in the sunshine state!!! Bible!

After that things started to look up. Honestly, they really did. Until I had to fly up to Queensland again this past April. I had a really bad bout of Aerosinusitis Barotrauma, which is something I often get when flying. I can only advise you Google it. It is horrid and has been compared to the feeling of a brain aneurysm. But don't worry about adding it to the list of unforch happenings because I have been getting this while flying for quite a few years now. Melbs doesn't have to take the blame for that disaster.

This particular bout left me with damage to my front teeth, which has only JUST resolved. I also was blowing blood clots out of my nose for about a week and as a result of the trauma to my sinus cavities, I ended up with a nasty sinus infection. But that healed too after about a month. SO BOOM!

Since then things have been looking up… Slowly…. I did drop my phone on its face last week and stuffed it completely but I got a new one that is pretty fab. So nur nur Melbourne. Look at me, taking the high road.

Annnndddddddd that pretty much brings us back up to speed. See you in another year… Just kidding… I might write again. Depends how I am feeling. Kidding. Maybe.

Oh yeah, I suppose I should mention some good stuff too. But just quickly…

On a positive, I still have le boy that I met way back when. So that's something. He is super painful, but you know, Ill keep keeping him around because Melbourne is actually super cold in Winter, and the hot water bottle really isn’t cutting it……. Just kidding…. I’m not…. Melbourne really is cold… Even in warmer seasons too… But overall le boy/our relationship has come a long way. While there is still a fair amount of room for improvement on some things, credit where credit is due, le boyf has upped his game (Note to Bf: if you read this don't stab me! Pls.)- He really is a good egg and I have much lava for him.

I ALSO HAVE BLONDISH HAIR AGAIN!

AND IM GOING TO EUROPE WITH LE BOYF IN AUGUST!

AND I STUDIED + GRADUATED IN INTERIOR DESIGN!

AND MY FAMILY IS ALL REALLY GREAT!!!!

AND I HAVE NEW FRIENDS TOO!!!

Look at all the things and stuff!! It’s not all bad. But Melbourne still hates me. But its okay because in the sweet words of some little Asian girl on Vine, “I don't care if you don't like me, I looovvveee me”.

 
That is all.

 
BYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE