My neck, my back, my pussy and my crack IS BACK TO BLOGGER!!

Happy 2015 monkeys!! Or 2k15 as all you trendy hipsters are calling it these days!!

It has been so so long since I last posted anything – mostly because I’ve actually been pretty busy with life…. Its got absolutely nothing to do with how non-committal and lazy I am… Seriously!!! THIS ISNT A JOKE!! I have actually been life-busy!!

I can only assume that you must have just found yourself internally asking yourself ‘what could you have possibly been doing for how ever many hundreds of days that you have completely and utterly abandoned us?”…. Well my humble butt pugs, I have been traveling, meeting people, moving out of home then moving interstate, playing, working and other things and stuff!!!!

I can’t even remember the last thing I wrote about... It’s been THAT long… I bet it was probably something super witty and hilarious. Obviously!! But whatever it was, I’m back now and you can sleep easy once more... Plus I’m all about paragraphs now. Can you tell?? No? Don’t worry, you will soon!

So my fragile little memory bank doesn’t serve too much purpose as its only really capable of taking me back a couple days (accurately anyways) so bare with me while I gather what I have been up to for about a billion days………

I remember at one point, though I don’t remember if I shared this or not, that I was saving a dickload of cash so I could go over the New York with my best friend. We spent about 4 hours one night on the phone because we were too lazy to drive to one another’s house, which were literally like 15minutes away from one another. It was great. We never made it to New York. 

We did however go to Melbourne about 6 times in approximately 3 months… That was something. I met a boy there. I was immediately taken back because he was SO nice and amazing and great, but LIAR!! 
Ahhhhh I'm just joshin' with ya, he's still around but we will get to that soon. Anyways, point is that after my many trips to Melbourne, I used up all my cash and now I’m Ethiopian-level poor again. SHIBBY! 

Last Feb I also moved out of my parent’s house, which was possibly the biggest step ever… So I thought…. Actually no, it probably was… It was the biggest step… I thought about it and I can confirm that it 100% was the biggest step…

I moved MAYBE 10 minutes down the road aaaannnddd cried the whole way there. It was super traumatic and emotional. 

After that I was officially a substantial amount of years into my twenties and finally a grown up! Life was on track. Sort of… I mean, as much as a twenty something with no money from multiple spontaneous Melbourne trips life can be. 

I lived out of home with my best friend and some other people for abouttttt 4 months before my best friend and I kicked everyone out so we could live in a 4-bedroomhouse, alone with cats. Those were the days… THE DAYS I LEARNT THAT CATS SHUT MY AIRWAYS DOWN…. I got real sick… That was something too. That was maybe 5 months into living with them, I think? Give or take a few breaths… HA! See what I did there!!

Amidst the months of out of home (10 mins down the road) living, I decided that it would be a good idea to pack my bags and move to Melbourne in September… So I did… But it was okay because I had moved 10 minutes down the road with only having had cried for a whole day, so surely two states away was going to be a breeze. Right?? 

I spent about 3 months convincing the world that I wasn’t moving to Melbourne because my fance new boyf lived down there... BECAUSE I WASN’T!! – Hell, I’m a grown ass woman; I don’t need to revolve my life around some boy and his whereabouts… Yeah it was great and all that he lived down there, but I do what I want. People pls. 

So yeah, the move was actually a piece of piss. 

Didn’t even cry.

Not once.

LOL JKS!

Cried so hard.

But only because my parents and brother came down with me for the move to help me set up... And I was actually completely fine… I’m talking like, negative 100 tears into the move, until my at this point- we shall call him my ‘not-so-fance new boyfriend’ because he decided to play some sappy music on the way home from leaving my parents before they flew back to sunny Queensland… Bastard!

Ok so at this point I’m in Melbourne. Long story short, I got a job. It was shit. I got a new job. It was good. I’m still at that job and am the mo’fuckin’ boss ma niggas YEH bitch! I got really sick when I moved down again. I’m not sick now. I’m still broke. I only just got a table and chairs for my apartment and I didn’t even buy them because you know... no cash money… 

I swing between my humble abode and my boyfriends home… OH YEAH, I also convinced aforementioned best friend to move with me! YAY FRIENDS!! … And by convinced I mean that I told her I was leaving and she got drunk, cried so hard that I had to go and collect her from the club, she told me that I’m the business and then in a split drunk-cry she decided she wanted to come with…. So she did! 

OH MY GOD MOTHER OF MARY I FORGOT TO TELL YOU TWO OTHER THINGS!!!

SO I drove with my Dad to Melbourne because I wanted my car with me for when I arrived. ROOKIE ERROR!! Guess who crashed into a kangaroo at 100 kilometers per hour, on a dark road at 4 am in the morning…. THIS GUY!! *Points to self*… Now THAT was something…  

We walked away with a bit of whiplash and a sore chest/face from all the airbags going off... My poor car however wasn’t so lucky... She got towed away and repaired for a month and a bit because she was so badly damaged… In fact, she was just slightly off being a write off… I personally think she shouldn’t have made it back to the roads. Especially considering I’ve had to take her to be repaired another 3 TIMES since being fixed but that’s a story for another day… we don’t want me getting angry here.  So yeah. Oops. That was another something.

Moving along... On the subject of cars… So mine was finally up and running with no complications (3 months after having officially moved) and all of a sudden my best friend/room mates car just casually exploded in our driveway causing a massive fire. Now she is without a car!! SO LUCK!! And that was also something!!

But all is good in the hood for now. I’ve been back to visit home about three times which has been fab. My ‘fance new boyf’ is now my ‘fance boyf who gives me more headaches than orga…..’ JUST KIDDING… Im gonna stop there before I say something wildly inappropriate for the sake of lols and get cut off from the goods… and by goods I mean  the D… and by D I mean, all the Delish food he fills me with because I’m a badass cooker… and by baddass cooker, I mean that I can’t make two minute noodles unless I read the packaging at least three times prior to cooking. No but seriously, he is painful at times but he is a gem. I promise!!

Annnddddd That’s what I’ve been up to and why I’ve been MIA since October 2013. 

Now in my spare time I like to watch a lot of TV…  Because again, living below the poverty line has its days. But I mean, at least I look fabulous doing so because the shopping down here is the bees knees and at any point when I do have money I like to spend it on lavish outfits that sit in my cupboard because im too poor after buying them to go anywhere!! HAZZAH FOR ADULTHOOD.

Ok that’s all

BYYYYEEEEEEEE!!!