Call me, beep me, if you wanna meet me

For some reason I went and bought a new phone that just so happen to be an android and not an iPhone. It was so exciting... And now it is not. Typical, i know. Stupid thing. It's so big and hard to use (fighting the urge to not make a "thats what she said" call) I JUST WANT MY NEAT LITTLE IPHONE BACK!! 

Anyways, while I was trying to make things happen on my new phone I came across the following meme that clearly was created by a boy.

Ill give it some credit in that its pretty funny, but still, you've got to be shitting me right? Girls? Really? Cmonnn. I'm a girl, do you really think that I can be bothered to be messaging more than one boy at a time! I'm flat out messaging Y or N to confirm my crazy doctor appointments (disclaimer: I don't actually have a crazy doctor..... Yet). Boys on the other hand, well, I personally have no idea where I stand when it comes to boys, EVER. And thats because they are totally constantly on the prowl for new bitches. ALL THE TIME.

Sure, I guess in the memes defence- its a meme... But still. This should be all about boys!! I feel jibbed!

Call me crazy but I'm pretty sure boys are worse than girls... And I'm talking like,  A LOT worse. 

Which brings me to phase two of today's discussion. Que sexist thought process.

Boy. Are. Terrible. Humans.... Yes, they can be very good looking humans at that. But terrible. Very terrible. 

How even.... How do they work? What do they even want? I DON'T UNDERSTAND???? Okay. No, that's a lie, I do know... Sort of.

If nothing, i know this: When it comes to boys, I've come to the only logical conclusion that if you pay attention to them, they don't like you. However if you don't pay attention to them, then they want all up in your ovaries. Am I right? Am I right?

Im literally the best person to talk about this. When boys text me and I'm doing something or just don't feel like talking, I just won't reply. Which I've  come to realise, makes the boys go wild. The difference is that I'm not playing games or anything, I'm just busy. But I see how this whole boy thing works. I see how the theory comes into play quite well. Because they go nuts. They want to plant their seed deep within my womb... All because I didn't reply. So I understand. Niggas, I get y'all theory. 

But it's bad. It's so so very bad- My problem is this- I know that if people "play hard to get"- even if they aren't doing it on purpose- it works.

But for me, my kind kind cherubs, I have a trained set of skills where if I like you, I will find you, and I will talk to you.. Whenever I want. About whatever I want. Not in a crazy stalker way or anything. But I feel like, if you like someone, you should embrace it. Right? Right. 

So I try really hard not to talk to people everyday because i know that the great holy bible states "treat em mean, keep em keen" ... So it must be true. 

But it's terrible, because I'm all like "I should say hi... You wanna say hi, just say hi... Should I say hi? We spoke yesterday? Is talking everyday in? Is it still a thing? No don't say hi... Okay say hi... I'm doing it... Oh he..... NO, play it cool! You got this gurl, you got this!!"... And then, if a greater good stops me from sending anything, I just try to send telepathic taco missiles at the person to talk to me first................... This is my life. Very mature I know.

But you see it is because I am a girl and girls like to be chased... And if you don't chase, well, ill probably still want to talk to you because again, I am a girl. And girls are batshit crazy.

Seriously though, on the opposite scale of things- Not replying does make me wild. Well not 100% like it does to boys because they just keep trying and trying. Its a given that if you ignore or neglect to make contact with me then ill lose interest a lot faster. I mean, you've got to give me something to work with. Don't be all hard to get and then not and then are and then not but actually are. That's not okay. I can't keep up with that. That's how I'm meant to be. I'm the one that gets the monthlies. Don't gender switch me. I don't like ladies. 

Anyways, referring back to the point of this story, I do not text a billion boys at once- it's too hard. I mean, I probably would give it a crack if I could. Maybe.. I feel like I have too much tv to watch... Girl can't text and tv. 

THE MEME SHOULD BE ABOUT BOYS! OKAY!! THAT'S ALL I WANTED TO SAY......

Okay wait. Stop the phone. I just watched the best add..
(Disclaimer #2- I don't know how to make videos happen... So if you don't watch that link which may or may not even be linked.. Well, you're loss and I'm not sorry)

http://youtu.be/c-R_Yx9hyl4 

Aaannnndddd I think that solves that. 

Was that just a giant coincidence... 

I ... What?... That's hilarious.

Thank you Vodafone. Now I TRULY understand. 

Sluts'r'us sometimes.

Today while its fresh in my mind, I am writing out of complete bewilderment. You see my lovely anchovies, I have a theory. A theory to stop all chaos in the world. A theory of such thought process that even I, the creator or said theory, am baffled by it........... To be honest, I may have exaggerated slightly, but bare with me because I may knock your socks off, mentally and physically. 

Look, before I start, if anyone has met me, or simply read up on my previous blog posts, or both- dependant on how stalkerish you are (disclaimer: harmless stalkers are always welcome).. You would know I'm not one to be "woo'd"... I pretty simple, and expect nothing more than a glass of water with a topping of equal amounts of  humour and a constant challenge of wit. Battle of the wit, per-say? 

That being said, simple in needs doesn't mean down for sexual escapades if you bring me pizza- yes, I may contemplate its benefits- a lifetime of pizza and laughs would have its perks- but ill never go through with it.  

So, when it comes to boys I like to play by the "interested people persist" concept. Which, trust me, usually is the truth. But then I start to question if by sticking to this plan of action that maybe you just seem uninterested. 

Okay, so I personally like to give a little (that sounds way sluttier than it is- so again, trust me- I'm a saint- *cough*tobeginwith*cough*-..... You'll never know... Unless you persist? Oh lord, internal bracket conversations getting way too out of hand! Stahp!!) but what if 'a little' is contradicting the initial theory... OH GOD, WHY?

To hinder all internal conflict I've come up with a theory on bedroom manners... You know, the one that will stop all traffic lights from turning red when you're on your way to work... Its pure genius, I think. Baring in mind, "date" is subjective here... VERY subjective... Specifically to the bedroom. Specifically subjective? ..................Anyways...

Date one: No hands rule. 

Date two: Hands are a go. 

Date three: Pantsing is a go. 

Date four: Whatthefuckever

Sometimes dates two and three may become an entangled mess, but hey, when in bedROME! Heh heh heh. 

(Disclaimer #2: where alcohol is involved, the theory is not. Alcohol makes date one date four and date two through four and date four non existent.)

See, now this sounds way sluttier than it was meant to be. It's not I swear. Because if little to no action is taken in getting to know a girl than its completely acceptable to draw out the said bedroom dates; Eat more food, Watch more tv (in the living room) etc.

Also, before I forget and roll into a magnificent tangent of un-arranged thoughts-CLOTHING! Now, I dress appropriately in order of the "date" sequence. More working into less. For example, if the fundaments of a girls outfit are basic and Fort Knox, you're probably at date one stage. If a girls outfit is a little lacey and droolable- you've landed date two. And finally if a girl has no fundaments at all, i.e. commando/near to, you're probably between dates three-four. 

Logic at its finest. 

This is a well thought out plan. I'm not sure really what it's meant to accomplish. Perhaps some kind of respect barrier? I don't know. I'm sure it does great things though. Great, majestical things.

Oh, I know, it shows you that someone is interested enough by you to hopefully get to know you a little better before jumping your bones. Then again maybe they are just persistent enough to get laid. Who knows. It's all apart of the surprise. 

"SURPRISE! I got laid, I never want to see you again" ....if that's the guy, aren't you glad you made him suffer a little in waiting. 

See, there is some justice... A small amount.. But some none the less.

Guys can use this on girls too... I mean, I doubt they will, but it's worth a shot...

I feel like abruptly ending this post. 

So, in the whimsically wise words of Jess (New Girl):

"I don't go on dates very often. Guys my age always wanna skip the date and just go right for the gold. Which I don't give them because I'm stingy with my gold. Unless they dig for it." 

AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH SISTA CHRISTIAN! 

(Please note all irony and accept that my theory of bedroom manors is genius and will prove to be successful in gaining a few "classy points")

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee